Stupid, crappy “Shepherd”

I was having such a good run–probably close to a year–and now it’s gone. Down the drain. Just like that! A perfectly good streak snapped because I didn’t follow my judgment. Damn you Red Jesus!

I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw a really crappy movie (prior to “The Good Shepherd”) because I’ve been very selective of what I’ve seen over the past year or so. By only seeing movies I only wanna really wanna see, I haven’t had to see any garbage. A whole year of being entertained by movies gone–just like that (despite its flaws, I still found “Superman Returns” to be watchable). I gambled and I lost. I saw a movie that I thought was probably gonna be bad and I was right.

Unfortunately “The Good Sheppard” sucked even more than I thought imaginable. Matt Damon did nothing but walk around with a hat and trench coat for two hours. My goodness it was boring–so dull it kept me from sleeping because I couldn’t stop thinking about how dull it was. Man, what a stupid boring pointless movie–and of course Red Jesus liked it.

Is there something wrong with me because I think boring movies suck no matter what the message is? Or am I just dumber than everyone else? I don’t understand how people can enjoy that sorta garbage–it’s totally boring. I go to the movies to be entertained–not longing for trips to the dentist. I refuse to believe anyone can actually like that sorta garbage. It’s kinda like Shakespeare: everyone says they like it ’cause no one wants to come off as dumb.

What a stupid colossal waste of time. Man, I coulda been home trimming my toenails or planning to trim my toenails (either one woulda been more productive than sitting through that.

The thing is, I knew it was gonna be bad–I could just tell. Stupid drawn-out talking film where nobody ever says anything. I hate shit like that–I shoulda stuck to my guns. Man, I’m depressed. Stupid good for nothing waste of time movie.

I had an out and I didn’t take it–that’s the worst part. A half-hour after this movie started, another screen was showing “Borat.” I figured 30 minutes was more than enough time to determine whether or not I liked a film. I told myself if I didn’t like the stupidass movie, I’d bail at 8:30 to see “Borat.” It was a good plan. And for the first 27 minutes of “The Good Sheppard,” I was convinced I’d spend the evening with “Borat.” Unfortunately right when I was about to leave–8:28–something interesting happened and I thought the movie might actually end up going somewhere.

I was waaaaaaaaaaay off.

Talk about your basic fatal mistake. Not only did I hafta sit through one of the most boring crappiest movie I have ever seen; I had to sit 150 minutes of it. Why are always the crappy movies long? In two and a half hours time, I could seen “Borat” twice. It just seems to me the duller the movie, the more likely a filmmaker is going to stretch it out. You never see Ben Stiller movies run that long. The movies you want to last are always the short ones. The movies that have you wishing for death are the ones that never seem to end.

Man, I’m pissed. I coulda done so much more–with my time and my money. Such a stupid waste of time. I’d be willing to spend the next 25 years of my life trying to build a time machine just so I get those two and a half hours back. I feel like I was robbed–like part of my life was taken from me.

I’m angry and annoyed and going to bed. But in case you were wondering, I do not recommend “Good Shepherd” for anyone.

Well, maybe hated enemies.