Sleeping with an airplane & the phantom phrames

One of the side effects of marriage is having to share a bed with someone, which means my minor snoring problem has become a full-fledged nightmare to my beau. I don’t understand what the big deal–I sleep just fine. But The Girlfriend insists that my snoring problem is keeping her from having a productive night of sleep (she’s threatened to smother me: if we don’t resolve this problem soon, I fear I might wake up dead).

She tried earplugs at first–squishy little buggers that have no definite shape or form but were endorsed by airport personnel. Apparently my snoring rivals a 747 because even with the plugs in, The Girlfriend gets no sleep (and I hear about it in the morning).

The next step in this process was Breathe Right™ strips. I’m sure you know what it is–a little piece of plastic enclosed in an adhesive bandage-type strip one wears over their nose. The purpose of this strip is to pull your nostrils wipe open and widen the path air flows through the nose. I don’t know what sorta trademark or copyright restrictions these things have, but they are very much taking advantage of a monopoly. Millions of sleep-depraved spouses are forced to fork over six bucks for 12 of the tiny strips. There’s no generic or knockoff brand available, so the consumers have no choice: either overpay now for an inexpensive product or overpay later for an expensive divorce. Since my marriage is younger than the current television season, I opted to throw away the six bucks.

So far, we’re still not entirely sure if the strip is a success. Some nights, my snoring is ridiculously bad with the strip; some days I’m sleeping like a baby–but I get the same mixed results without the strips so who really knows? What I find most interesting is the old habit these strips brought out in me.

I use to wear glasses. It started when I was nine and only for reading and television watching purposes; it gradually elevated into all day except when I was playing sports or driving (’cause the last thing you want when driving is to see where you’re going). I’m sure I was no different than most glasses-wearers: occasionally the bridge started to irritate the nose and I had to lift the glasses up for a moment, just so my nose could breathe. Eventually, I had lasik and the glasses and irritation problem was gone forever.

Or so I thought.

The Breathe Right™ strip causes a minor irritation to my nose. No less than twice an hour, I find myself adjusting phantom “glasses” I don’t have–just like I would have done five years ago (pre lasik). The point is, you don’t realize how easy it is to slip into old behaviors and tendencies. I know damn well I’m not wearing glasses…and yet there I am, trying to adjust them. Kind of amusing–although it shouldn’tve taken me 500 words to tell it.