Stealin’ Cable II: The Aftermath

This is part two of a story I set out to tell the other day. Hopefully this time I’ll stay awake long enough to finish.

I recently moved into an apartment that put me in the ideal situation to steal cable. See, stealing cable is no easy task. You need to find the right conditions to make it work. By my rough (uneducated) statement, it can probably be done in most apartment buildings. Unfortunately, I haven’t lived in any of those apartment buildings until now.

The important thing to remember about stealing cable is that you can’t be picky. You might not get 200 channels. You might not get HD. You might not even get a perfect picture. Luckily for me, I’m willing to settle for what I can get (look at my car, my job, my wife, my life). I don’t need the finer things in life. I don’t need BET, Bravo, or HGTV. Heck, I don’t even need 50 channels. As long as I get ESPN, ESPN2, and Fox Sports I’m a happy man. Anything else is cake because the only reason I want cable is to watch baseball (that and the sheer joy of stealing cable).

Once I saw that stealing cable was possible, my mind got excited at the possibilities. I scoured the internet, researching as much as I can. I calculated scenarios. I purchased equipment. I spent my nights lying awake in bed–like a kid the night before Christmas–thinking about how cool it would be to live in a world with Free Cable. I counted down the days I had to wait to put my plan into action.

I’m not going to tell how I did it (I think I might be held legally responsible). I’m not even sure if you want to know how I did it. Let’s just say with proper planning, my experience working in television, determination, and a little bit of moral ambiguity, it can be done. And the first time I fired up my Free Cable, I was more excited than a kid in some kind of store.

Another downside of stealing cable is it takes awhile to figure out where all the channels are located. Unfortunately, stolen cable doesn’t follow the channel guide of cable providers (not to mention stolen cable doesn’t include all the channels anyway). Heck, I don’t even get a channel guide channel. But that was a small price to pay for the ultimate prize: Free Cable. Upon powering up the TV I knew I had succeeded. Bravo, E!, Food Network–they were all there in crystal clear quality and picture. A quick investigation determined I had over 150 free channels coming my way.

I felt like I had won. Not only did I defeat the cable company, I had accomplished one of my life’s dreams…the dream of Free Cable. It was an odd victory because I knew I wouldn’t be watching much TV anyway (outside of ESPN, ESPN2, and Fox Sports is there anything worth watching?). Nevertheless, I was proud of my accomplishment because I was finally able to do something I had hoped to do ever since I was a little kid. I was living the dream.

I got out a notepad and manually mapped out the channels. PBS was channel 28. Channel 13 was 8. Telemundo. The Cooking Channel could be found on 63. Centric was on 95. Spanish TV on 32. Chinese TV on 17. Another Spanish station on 48. Lifetime on 67. More Spanish. Even though I would never watch any of these networks, it was nice to know I got them (which is exactly why I don’t mind stealing cable: why should I pay for stations I don’t want?). It took me over an hour to log each and every one to the 153 stations I was getting (for free!). And when I was done, I looked back to admire my work…

…and noticed something was missing.

During my documentation, I didn’t come across a feed for ESPN, ESPN2, or Fox Sports. Sure, I had 13 different feeds of the Oprah Winfrey Network, but nothing that that carried a sporting event (I did find the Golf Channel and NHL Network, but golf isn’t a real sport and no one cares about hockey).

I double-checked my list. Sure enough, I had every channel you could possibly think of–except the three I wanted. It was at the moment, I realized I must be the victim of a cruel prank played by the Devil himself. It’s like that episode of “The Simpsons” when Homer acquires a magic monkey paw that grants him whatever he wished–only to have his wishes completely backfire. How could I–he of great intelligence, desire, and moral ambiguity–get such a cruel fate? I always dreamt of stealing cable; I never dreamt of stealing ESPN. I suppose I got my wish–I got the free cable I always desired. Unfortunately, it serves no use to me at all–I don’t need to see whatever is being shown on The Weather Channel.

I’m so depressed. As much as I enjoy sticking it to the cable company, I’m thinking of pulling the plug. What’s the point of stealing cable if you’re not going to enjoy it? Heck, it’s not worth the potential felony if by somehow I got caught (oh man: imagine having to go to prison for reruns of “Sister, Sister”). Ugh…it’s so heartbreaking. You want something for so long. You think you finally succeed and–BAM!–I’m stuck watching QVC instead of “Baseball Tonight”. I guess it’s true–crime doesn’t pay.