The Sports Snob (Yes, I think I’m better than you)

The Wife calls me a sports snob. It’s a term I have come to embrace because it’s true: I don’t like talking sports with most people because most people are idiots. Well, maybe idiots is too harsh of a term–they’re not as knowledgably as me (probably because they have families and lives and all that stuff). Remember that time when I went to the Angel game and I was appalled because the “fans” next to me had no idea who Mark Teixeira was (or how to say his name)? Yeah, stuff like that.

My snobbery is only part of my problem. I work at an elementary school that literally has three male employees (the AP, custodian, and me). Sure, it’s nice knowing I pretty much have a private bathroom (although messy situations become harder to deny), but it also leaves with me a sports void because I have no one to talk to. Being a sports snob and trying to discuss the read option with a pregnant fourth grade teacher isn’t exactly fulfilling. Even if I tried to dumb myself down just for the sake of talking to another human being it wouldn’t be possibly.

I’ve tried keeping an open mind about this. I’m not a paid scout for the Dodgers, so it’s really my fault for acting like one. Just because I chose the total immersion route doesn’t mean that anyone is below me for taking a lesser path. Life was much easier when I was a casual fan. I could converse with other casual fans and I didn’t feel any lesser. I felt like a normal, social human being instead of a sabermetrics groupie. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately so recently I decided to give it a go try not to be so gosh-darn elitist.

Last week one of the fifth grade teachers had a substitute–a male substitute. It was so nice to see someone who knew what it was like living with the man’s burden (being at a school surrounded by women). He brought the kids into my room and gave them an assignment. When things finally settled down some, he walked over to me and asked, “Do follow football?”

“Sure,” I said cautiously. Football is a broad topic. I have no interest in talking about his kid’s peewee team or the suitcase full of nuclear launch codes that the president carries around.

“It’s going to be a good game tonight–two teams that could play in the Super Bowl.”

That was a bold statement. The Saints are perennially contenders, but the Dolphins? The Dolphins have a pretty good football team, but the idea of them playing in the Super Bowl seemed far-fetched. “Really? You think so?”

“I don’t know–that’s what the television commercial said,” he replied. “I wasn’t even sure who was playing.”

And that’s why I don’t bother talking to people.