What’s In A Name? O, I Don’t Know!

Before my daughter was born–before I even knew I was having a daughter–the wife and I had, uh, heated “debates” of what we would name our offspring. Seeing how I come from a family of many boys (no girls) and The Wife had no interest in little girls’ clothing we just assumed it would be a boy. Kinda of silly because it was 50-50 either way, yet neither of us really considered the possibly of having a daughter. I wanted my boy to have a good, strong Italian name. Nothing too over the top like Guido, but Tony, Paulie, and Vinny were all possibilities (basically anything that ended in an “ee” sound). The Wife wanted more classical names like those of English royalty (James, George, William). Hmmm…Maybe we should compromise: Jamie, Georgie, Willie.

The girl’s name was relatively simply. The first name The Wife threw out was Babygrl¹ and I kinda liked it. Of course, I couldn’t admit I liked it–not after she immediately shot down my suggestion to name a boy Giovanni. But that night, I started thinking more and more about it and really began to embrace it. It was the same number of letters as our last name. I like symmetry–it brings balance to the world. Seeing the symmetry from Babygrl Siknerd really had me digging the name. I liked it so much I was kinda of hoping we would have a girl.

It turns out we were having a girl, so next came the task of picking out a middle name. After some healthy (not heated) debates, we settled on Onassis. Again, I liked the look of it. Long first name. Short Middle name. Long last name. Symmetry.

I’m big on nicknames. It dates way back to when I was a third-grader and all the kids at school would give each other nicknames. Well, all the kids but me. I couldn’t have a nickname because my last name is impossible to pronounce and spell. My first name doesn’t really offer much variation–not like William, which can become Willie, Will, Bill, or Billy. I wanted my offspring to have the possibility to choose to be called something else if she wanted when she gets older. Her first name has many possible nicknames (Baby, Girl, etc). If she wants to be known by her middle name Onassis, Ona, or Nassie are all options for her to choose from. Why saddle her with restrictions? Besides, the more names you can use on an application the harder it becomes for creditors to track you down.

It was settled: Babygrl Onassis Siknerd. The wife and I agreed it was a truly splendid name. Sure, she might end up hating us when she first started school (Babygrl Siknerd is a lot of letters to put on a piece of when you’re turning in homework), but she’d get over it–after all, that’s what nicknames are for) we did a Google search to make sure there were no Babygrl Siknerd serial killers. The name was available with Gmail, so we even signed her up for a Google account before she was born. Everything seemed so perfect…

…until she got her first piece of mail. My daughter received a letter addressed to Babygrl O Siknerd.

I did not see that coming.

On many occasions just middle initial is used instead of the entire middle name. Seeing the words Babygrl O Siknerd caused me great angst because it makes her name look Irish. The last thing a good Italian boy with strong Italian roots is to have his offspring be confused for Irish (well, that’s not entirely true–the last thing he wants is for her to marry someone Irish, but I’ll deal with that in 30 years).

How did I not see that coming? So foolish! I practiced writing her name down multiple times. I looked at it from every angle. How could she get made fun of? Did her initials spell a dirty word? Is it had to say? Too hard to spell? When she gets to be older and really pisses me off, would I be able to address her by her full name (first, middle, last) without getting winded? Everything passed the smell test.

Yet there it was in front of me–her first official document–and I absolutely hated the look of it. Babygrl O Siknerd. Might as well named her Irish O’Malley because that’s what everyone is going to think. Ugh. Ugh indeed.

There’s an old SNL skit starting Nicholas Cage where two parents-to-be are debating the name of their upcoming child. Every name the mom throws out is shot down by the dad because he’s worried about other kids teasing his son. Peter, Dick, and Rod are obvious rejects. But his reasons for rejecting Sam, Fred, and Todd are quite absurd. It isn’t until the end of the sketch when you find out the dad’s name is Asswipe² Johnson. Made if I was a little more like Asswipe my daughter wouldn’t be burdened with the name of a leprechaun.

Let me give some free advice to all prospective parents. Make sure the middle name starts off with a consonant. Michael J. Fox. Booker T. Washington. John F. Kennedy. Anything else throws off the symmetry.

¹ Obviously not her real name: do you think I’m that cruel?

² pronounced “Os-wee-pay”