Why I Hate Star Wars (SE)

As a child of the 80s, I grew up worshiping Star Wars. Obsessions with lightsabers, Wookies, and the ability to choke someone with your mind were quite common for boys of my age (for some reason, girls didn’t like Star Wars: maybe My Little Pony was really good back then). I’m probably the perfect Star Wars age. My brothers don’t share the same obsession I do, so it’s definitely a generational thing. After all, when we were talking about a getting a cat I was the only one who wanted to name him Chewbacca.

When I was a kid, Star Wars was everywhere. Besides the obvious action figures, I had lunchboxes, coloring books, audio books (in record form), Shrink-A-Doodles, Underoos, Lite-Brite–you name it, George Lucas found a way to market it with a Star Wars twist. I grew up wishing to be a Jedi and to strike my father down with a lightsaber. I played Star Wars. I slept in Star Wars sheets. I dreamt Star Wars. I even liked Princess Leia.

One year for Christmas someone gave us the Star Wars movies (in VHS form). From that point forward, I watched the trilogy at least once a month. The movies and I became one. It started off with random quotes for no reason. “Do or do not; there is no try.” “I have a bad feeling about this.” “Judge me by my size do you?” But it evolved and grew. I soon learned that I could incorporate Start Wars quotes into everyday conversation. Served a dinner I disliked? How you get so big, eating food of this kind. Happily complete a task? All too easy. About to do something stupid? Never tell me the odds. Disconnected phone call? Boring conversation anyway. As I got older, the association to Star Wars lessened and these quote became my own. These tidbits of Star Wars dialogue were part of my vernacular. It reached the point where I didn’t even realize I was quoting Star Wars–I was just conversing. I was fine with this. In retrospect, I was more than fine with it. I think I liked it because I became a walking talking tribute to the movie franchise I cherished so much…until George Lucas went and fucked it all up.

You can count me as one the Special Edition haters. When the Special Edition first came out in 1997, I was one of the masses who stood in line for three hours to pay admission to see a movie that I had sitting at home. I was intrigued by the added scenes. I was looking for the improved special effects. Most of all, I loved the idea of seeing Star Wars on the big screen with other nerds.

The movie didn’t sit well with me. I saw “A New Hope” in the theater and that was the last Special Edition I paid for. Something about it just felt…wrong. Hating the Special Edition is so trendy it’s no longer cool. Fans have been complaining about the Special Edition for over a decade now. Some people call George Lucas a money-grabbing whore, believing the whole point of the Special Edition is so he could get ever richer (for a guy who owns the merchandising rights to the most lucrative franchise in film history, I highly doubt anything he does is motivated by money). Other people scoffed at Lucas for being a one-trick pony and he really needed to do something new. Some people didn’t like the change because…because they’re stubborn change-fearers who didn’t see the need for an update. I probably fall in this category, but my reasoning is more logical than that.

One time my brother and I were discussing the Special Edition. I was surprised to hear he supported the tweaks, but he presented a point of view I never considered. “Those movies are 30 years old. Without the updated special effects or enhanced colors they would look very dated. Thanks to the modernizing of the Special Editions, George Lucas has been able to keep Star Wars relevant for three decades”

For an idiot, my brother says some smart things some times. He made a valid point and it was hard to disagree with him. I can admit when I see the updated HD versions of Star Wars on FX, I’m stunned by how good it looks. I can admit that visually, I prefer the Special Edition because, well, it just looks cool. I get that maybe George Lucas wanted to clean up the look of his magnum opus.

What I don’t understand was his need to change the dialogue.

It royally pisses me off that George Lucas decided to change lines in the movies. I’m annoyed that he completely changed the context and mystery behind certain scenes by changing the dialogue. It makes me want to scream that the movies are no longer the films I grew up with. The movies that I knew word-for-word are no longer there. I find it annoying that funny lines I once liked are replaced by something else. I hate that I can’t watch the movie talk along with it. I don’t like that he changed script of the movie.

I believe the script/story is the essence of the movie. Adding an extra Storm Trooper or speeding up a TIE-Fighter doesn’t alter the movie’s essence. It modernizes, but doesn’t change the original movie. I’m okay with the idea of reshooting a conversation between Vader and the Emperor in “Empire” because a different actor played Palpatine in the other movies. I don’t like that the new scene contains complete different dialogue that takes away the ambiguity of Luke Skywalker’s father (yeah, yeah–we all know it’s Darth Vader: but that doesn’t mean you gotta take away the surprise for first-time viewers).

So that’s why I hate George Lucas. That’s why I hate the Special Edition. I don’t like that George Lucas changed a movie in a way that didn’t need changing. Count me as one of those who believe George Lucas raped my childhood. I hate the Special Editions because they’re not the same movie.

^* To clarify, I frequently refer to Star Wars as one movie in this entry, but I am referring to the original trilogy. The reason I group them together is because I tend to think of them as one movie…probably because I would watch them all together when I was a kid.