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FacebookFrom the pointless researcher department…
Did you know Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer was a girl? It’s true because I saw it in print. I’m not sure if I blame the journalist or the “experts” who debated this topic, but overthinking like this really sucks the fun out of Christmas.
Last week at work we had our annual white elephant gift exchange. At this point, I’m sure everyone is familiar with the concept (if not, Wikipedia it). Since I’m blessed with the unique combination of being extremely lazy and remarkably cheap, I decided to put zero time, money, and effort into a gift. Instead of trying to give a good/funny gift, I decided to give the lamest piece of crap that came to my mind. I reached this conclusion while reading an old newspaper…which prompted the idea to GIVE an old newspaper.
The Wife quickly protested the idea. “That’s an awful gift,” she said. “You can’t give that.”
“It’s supposed to be an awful gift,” I pleaded. “The only people who give anything good or nice are newbies–suckers who are too afraid to give junk.”
Despite much–uh, persistence–on her part, I stuck to my guns and wrapped up a week-old newspaper. When no one was looking, I snuck it with the rest of crummy presents (in case The Wife was right, I didn’t want anyone to know I gave it). After our festive holiday feast, the gift exchanged began and I sat back waiting for the hilarity to beginning.
We’ve had a lot of turnover at my employer this past year and there were a lot of newbies at the white elephant gift exchange. This was evident by the first few gifts that were picked. A remote controlled helicopter. A label maker. A fancy Christmas cookie jar. The quality of presents was so grand, I started to freak out. What if my gift was too crappy? Usually the “good” presents were limited to Starbucks gift cards. But after the first five or six gifts were pulled–all had to be worth at least $20–I was starting to wonder how much did I cope out by wrapping up an old, useless newspaper (it wasn’t even a Sunday edition!).
I looked around the room. It was filled with fuddy-duddies and stuck-up executives. Sure, there were plenty of good-spirited hardworking fun folks (i.e., non-executives). But what would happen if someone without a sense of humour got my crappy gift? Like I said, we’ve had a lot of turnover–some people might not “get it.” If one of those boring people picked the newspaper, they would sulk about it–and not play up the paper for the comedic value it should be.
“I’m thinking of picking my own present,” I whispered to The Wife.
“You think it won’t be as funny if someone else got it,” she said/asked. She knows me so well and reads me like a book. It’s wonderful…but it also makes lying to her much, much harder.
Because she was thinking the same thing I was, it made my decision easier. Driven 1% by guilt and 99% by comedy, when my number got picked I went up to the table and pretended to sort through the gifts. When I ‘found’ one I liked, I unwrapped it–and held the newspaper up in front of the crowd. “You gotta be kidding me,” I exclaimed and played the disappointment with Brando-esque acting skills.
Let’s face it: it’s funnier to receive a crappy present than to give a crappy present–especially in those settings. By ending up with The Worst White Elephant Gift Ever, I was able to frequently complain about and call attention to myself (thus feeding my massive ego). When someone would patrol the room, examining which present to steal, I tried to sell the paper.
“Got a sports page here–the latest on the Lakers!”
“Oooo Clint Eastwood has a new movie!”
“There’s a Fry’s ad!”
You’re not gonna get gems like that from someone who spends most of his life in a suit.