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FacebookI am a volatile snorer. As I’ve stated many times before, it’s not an issue to me; however, The Wife insists it’s bad for her sleep and detrimental to our marriage. I rarely snore loud enough to wake myself up but since I’m not the only one in the bedroom, a solution must be found.
She started off with earplugs. Even though she found them uncomfortable, she was able to block out my trumpeting and sleep soundly…for a week. According to her, my snoring got worse and earplugs could no longer stop my snoring from rattling her brain.
I had my tonsils removed. Since my tonsils were “unusually large,” the doctor said taking ’em out would clear some space for air to flow and the snoring would cease. After the operation, The Wife said my snoring went away and she was finally able to sleep…for a week. Even though air had a clear path, my body found away and the snoring resumed.
The next step was more surgery. This time, the doctor cleaned out my ‘turbs’ (whatever they may be). Doc said it could increase airflow anywhere from 10-30 percent. I immediately felt the difference and realized I could finally breathe. The Wife said the snoring stopped…for a week. Once again, the relief was short-lived and I was snoring like an 8000-pound grizzly bear.
At this point, there was nothing left to clear out of me. Sure, doctors had the option of removing a kidney, but no one thought it would help with the snoring problem. The Wife bought me a pack of Breath Right™ strips because “satisfaction was guaranteed.” I put the things on every night for 14 days and the snoring stopped…for a week. The Wife got a few nights of restful sleep but eventually the snoring returned and the strips were deemed a waste.
So now we’ve moved on to plan F. Our desperation has become so overwhelming we’ve sunk to buying stuff on TV. The product is called Pure Sleep–a fitted mouth piece that’s suppose to open the mouth and increase airflow to lungs. We’re a couple nights into this experiment and so far have no complaints. She’s even said that I’m sleeping quietly without any snoring. But given our track record, I need to see this thing work for eight days before I even consider calling it a success.
Jeff Goldbum had a great line in “Jurassic Park”–a line that repeats in my head when I try to make sense of all this. “I’m simply saying that life…finds a way.” That’s because, in life, some things are entirely out of your hands. In “Jurassic Park” girl dinosaurs grew male sex organs in order to reproduce. All their careful preparation and planning failed because life did what it always does–you can’t change the natural order of things. That’s what I’m starting to feel like. No matter what we do, my body finds away to snore–like I’m meant to snore and nothing can stop it. Surgery. Gizmos. Overpriced-adhesive bandages. We’ve tried a few different things and all of them had short-term success. But in the end, fate prevails and I snore like a thundering heard of brachiosaurs. Life found away.
Maybe it’s The Wife’s preordained destiny to suffer. Maybe fate decided that she’s not entitled to future of restless nights. That’s the price she has to pay for marrying me. It’s the only thing I can think…’cause I sleep just fine.