Dr. Distracted, professional healer

Last week in soccer class, one of the girls kicked me in the shin. While that’s not an interesting story (actually, it’s a bit embarrassing), the aftermath that followed certainly worth telling. Besides the three-inch by one-inch scab, I also developed a large, yellowish-purple bruise on my leg that could be seen from outer space. My shin became incredibly sensitive to touch (I even hurt myself putting on socks) and on occasions it hurt to walk because I couldn’t put too much weight on it. Since the injury happened at school, I figured I ought to let the school’s health center check me out (that and I don’t have health insurance).

After being admitted, a youngish doctor entered the examining room carrying my chart and an iPhone. “How did you hurt yourself,” she asked me.

“Someone kicked me in the shin,” I told her as she looked at her iPhone. “Since it’s been a week and hasn’t shown any signs of healing, I figured I better get it checked out.”

There was a moment of silence as she typed something on her iPhone. “Uh-huh. What kind of pain do you feel?”

“Ungawdly, tremendous amounts of pain if I touch it or brush against something,” I answered as she remained focused on her phone.

Without looking at me, she asked: “On a scale of one-to-ten, how high is the pain?”

“Ten,” I said as she typed something into her phone. She didn’t respond to my answer so I continued talking. “Right now I’m okay because I’m not doing something. But if you brush it, it sends searing amounts of pain through out my leg that won’t fade for 20 minutes.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. She continued to fiddle with her phone as I did my best from snapping at her. It felt like whatever she was doing on her phone was clearly more important to her than my medical examination. For the first time ever I finally understood why The Wife gets mad at me for playing with my phone during a conversation we’re having. I wanted to order the doctor to put her phone down and focus her attention on me. Maybe a give her s subtle reminder that texting while practicing medicine surely had to be a violation of her hippopotamus oath.

Instead, I simply spoke to break the silence. “I’d like to make sure nothing is seriously wrong since it’s been a week.”

She put her iPhone down and approached me. That’s when I got a good look at her phone and saw that she wasn’t TWPM (texting while practicing medicine). No, her screen indicated something entirely different–she was looking at WebMD. At first I was relieved to know she was actually paying attention to me. But then a horrifying idea crossed my mind: why does my doctor need WebMD to diagnosis my injury?

She held my leg and stated putting pressure on it from all sorts of angles. I assumed she was trying to test if it was broken. “Tell me when it hurts,” she said. My leg proved to be sturdy and none of the squeezes caused any pain until changed her approach. With her right hand the doctor held my knee, and her left hand held my ankle. She inadvertently brushed against my bruise and I screamed, almost kicking the doctor in the face.

“I see that hurts,” the doctor said. She focused her attention on my knee and tried more squeezes and tests. None of which hurt because my knee was perfectly fine. She seemed perplexed again and tried a different squeeze that required her placing an elbow on my shin. Another scream from me; another near miss for the doctor’s face.

“Something is clearly hurting you. Let me get the other doctor.” She left the room and quickly returned with an older doctor. “He hurt himself playing soccer. He said his knee hurts but the pain is inconsistent.”

Huh?

“My knee doesn’t hurt,” I told the pair of docs. “It’s my shin.”

The younger doctor looked confused by this. “Why did you say it hurt when I squeezed it?”

“Because your other hand was squeezing my shin.”

The older doctor interrupted. “Well sure: look at the bruise he has here.” She gently touched my shin and–as if she was expecting it–dodged my kick before it even happened. I cried out and the older doc replied, “Definitely swelling there with a deep bruise. Let’s get you x-rayed.”

Long story short, I got hit hard in an area where the bone is close to the surface and takes a long time to heal. But like I said, that’s not the interesting part of this tale. I understand every doctor has to start somewhere. They need to learn, get experience, and make mistakes just like anyone who learns any craft. But I gotta admit, it worries me when a medical professional doesn’t know the difference between a shin and a knee (didn’t she play “Operation” for cripes’ sake). I mean, even if there was any confusion, the large bruise that could easily be spotted from across the room should be an indicator of where the problem is. My goodness, no wonder she had to consult WebMD during the examination. I just hope she has good malpractice insurance.