January
My daughter wants to open only one Christmas present a day. I think this is how Hanukkah was invented.
January 1, 2016
It always felt odd to me that neither one of Milli Vanilli was white. Only a white guy would go around calling himself “Vanilli.”
January 5, 2016
Fun Fact #632: Right Said Fred was neither right nor named ‘Fred.’
January 15, 2016
Anyone else see the irony in white guys as an NBA analysts? That’s like me critiquing a porn star’s ability in bed.
January 17, 2016
Women who wear hijabs probably save a bunch of money on hairstyling products.
January 18, 2016
Notebooks, backpacks, books: are kids told to write their name on things so they don’t lose them or so teachers know who they’re talking to?
January 25, 2016
A grown man should not wear a sports team hat & shirt concurrently unless A) it’s Halloween B) at a ball game C) his kid’s sporting event.
January 26, 2016
Why is dating a porn star hot & a hooker not? It’s the same job. The only difference is anyone w/the internet can see your girlfriend naked.
January 27, 2016
Is there anything more germ-ridden than the toys at a pediatrician’s office?
January 29, 2016
At any given moment somewhere on this earth a stripper is dancing to Def Leppard’s “Poor Some Sugar On Me.”
January 30, 2016
February
My car smells like ass–and not the good kind.
February 4, 2016
Three of my five most frequently dialed numbers are pizzerias, which means I need reassess my dining habits or social life.
February 12, 2016
What exactly is ‘raw’ sewage?’ Does it taste better than ‘cooked sewage?’
February 18, 2016
Thanks to my disposal method of dirty diapers I can use the term “crap bag” in its proper context.
February 24, 2016
I am a “t-shirt and jeans” type of guy–except I really don’t like wearing jeans.
February 28, 2016
March
I thought I needed a haircut because stray hairs kept appearing in my peripheral vision but it turned out to be just my eyebrows.
March 7, 2016
I used my cop voice on a rowdy first grader this morning. Scared him so much he peed his pants.
March 9, 2016
When my wife turned 30 I was more upset than she was. Who wants to be married to an old lady?
March 15, 2016
Whoever invented the tradition of pinching people who don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day clearly did not work at an elementary school.
March 17, 2016
Eleven years is a long run, but the time has come for me to replace my toothbrush.
March 20, 2016
If you give me 48 hours I can tell you what the weather was like tomorrow.
March 21, 2016
Unanswered Questions 30 Years Too Late: what exactly is a “Rock Lobster”?
March 26, 2016
2016 is the year I buy new socks.
March 29, 2016
April
The Force is strong with this one…assuming “this one” isn’t me.
April 17, 2016
How many illegitimate kittens did Puss in Boots have? My cat scored a lot–and he was nowhere near as charming as Antonio Banderas.
April 24, 2016
One job I’ve never seen a Mexican take: homeless guy.
April 25, 2016
I would climb more trees if more trees came with stairs.
April 26, 2016
Try as I might, I just can’t get my daughter to play with a blue or green light saber–she prefers the red one. Should I be concerned?
April 28, 2016
May
The worse thing about the weekend is my bathroom breaks now come out of my personal time.
May 14, 2016
My child threw a hissy fit because she was allowed to eat only 1 cookie. Last week I did the same thing with my wife for the same reason.
May 17, 2016
I know I shouldn’t be, but I am extremely proud of some of my accomplishments in the bathroom.
May 18, 2016
When I promised to pick my parents up from the airport I never said anything about taking them home: I took ’em to another airport instead.
May 20, 2016
June
I don’t feel like exercising because I just ate two bowls of pasta, so I’ll watch YouTube videos of people working out instead.
June 27, 2016
July
The Wife wants to start potty training, which is good because I’m tired of changing her diapers.
July 20, 2016
Superman is a selfless & loyal farm boy. Batman is a dark & emotionally closed off playboy. Women want a Superman but end up with a Batman.
July 23, 2016
Reason to Have Kids #724: no longer having to bend over to pick up stuff. Kids are closer to the ground–have them get it.
July 25, 2016
A trip to the water park confirms what I have long-suspected: many people have a lot of bad tattoos.
July 31, 2016
August
Television: the electronic babysitter.
August 1, 2016
There are few things in life more awkward than two guys sharing a urinal.
August 7, 2016
I saw a sign at the park that said “No Dogs Allowed”. It seems like a very ineffective sign since dogs don’t know how to read.
August 8, 2016
I wish someone would invent Pepsi-flavored mouthwash, so after I brush & rinse I can drink a Pepsi without it tasting funny.
August 9, 2016
I hate people. I might be the only person in the world who welcomes the idea of being stranded on deserted island.
August 12, 2016
Sign You Live in the Ghetto #213: There ain’t no Starbucks around, but there’s a check-cashing store on every block.
August 15, 2016
Health Tip of the Day: You can decrease your chances of an early death by having less people in your will.
August 19, 2016
The amount of money I spend per year on candy is beyond the acceptable limit for an adult.
August 20, 2016
TV, computer, & movie theater screens are all landscape. So why do most people hold their phone upright & shoot videos in portrait?
August 28, 2016
I’m not shaving as a form of protest. Not exactly sure what I’m protesting, but you can bet your sweet ass I’m against it.
August 31, 2016
September
You can’t always get what you want…unless you want a lifetime of misery and hardship. In that case, you can have as much as you want.
September 2, 2016
My Philosophy on Donating to Thrift Shops: just because I’m too good for it doesn’t mean a homeless guy won’t wear it.
September 4, 2016
Instead of a reasonable, sensible meal three times a day I prefer an unreasonable, obnoxiously large meal five or six times a day.
September 16, 2016
Health Tip of the Day: If you don’t know what that thing growing on your back is, see a doctor.
September 28, 2016
If illegally stealing stuff from work is a crime then I don’t want to be right.
September 29, 2016
October
I heard a teacher instruct her class to be “super quiet.” She has high standards. I’d be happy with “regular quiet” or even “sorta quiet.”
October 10, 2016
The majority of the people I meet find my sarcastic, mean-spirited humor to be amusing. Everyone else is a moron.
October 13, 2016
Having kids: the benefit of having an extra set of hands doesn’t outweigh the cost of an extra mouth to feed.
October 16, 2016
Why would anyone want to have a threesome with twins? It’s twice the work for the same results.
October 23, 2016
I don’t understand why politicians have campaign rallies: the only people who show up were going to vote for you anyway.
October 25, 2016
I dread driving anywhere because it’s so unproductive. Driving to a destination is like waiting in a line that’s moving really fast.
October 29, 2016
This Halloween I want to see an Indian dressed as a Native American.
October 31, 2016
November
For all the advances science has done it’s remarkable that we haven’t been able to come up with a passable version of generic Doritos.
November 1, 2016
One of the hardest aspects of being a teacher is coming up with creative new ways to yell at children.
November 8, 2016
The best thing about a suicide bomber is there’s one less terrorist walking around.
November 14, 2016
Using a Porta Potty is like walking a tightrope: it’s best if you don’t look down.
November 20, 2016
I have no patience for being patient.
November 30, 2016
December
It always amuses me to see an Asian person buy a 20-pound bag of rice. I wonder what the white person equivalent is.
December 8, 2016
I’m getting real tired of having to undo my pants every time I go to the bathroom. If dresses were socially acceptable I’d wear one.
December 13, 2016
She tries, but my grandma’s homemade crystal meth just isn’t as good as store-bought crystal meth. She always uses too much salt.
December 17, 2016
When I’m done with it, a HazMat team is needed to clean out the bathroom.
December 25, 2016