January
The biggest tease in all of life is a broken escalator. You think you’re getting a free ride but you have to do the all work by yourself.
January 4, 2017
It’s remarkable how often I forget to zip my fly.
January 24, 2017
No one has fought harder than me to help end women’s rights.
January 29, 2017
I don’t remember the last time I was hit hard in the head. Probably because I was hit hard in the head.
January 30, 2017
February
Valentine’s Day Fact: the less a hooker charges the more she likes you.
February 14, 2017
I love that feeling you get when you sneeze and a giant booger flies out. “Ah…I can breathe again!”
February 16, 2017
I let myself go before I got married so my wife would know exactly what she was getting herself into.
February 22, 2017
I need to add a notch to my bedpost: I just made another 1st grader cry.
February 28, 2017
March
It’s hard to remember something you don’t care about.
March 3, 2017
I’m bored and hungry. If I Google pictures of food will that solve both problems?
March 10, 2017
…when I started to wonder, ‘What else can I put in the pencil sharpener?’ #ItAllWentWrong
March 10, 2017
Monkeys have it so easy. They don’t have to worry about haircuts. They don’t need to buy styling product. I’m jealous.
March 12, 2017
If I had a time machine I would go back in time & beat the crap out of the guy who decide ‘oh’ & ‘zero’ were the same shape.
March 15, 2017
I suppose this means I should eat Chinese food for dinner. Is all Chinese food is made of pandas or just Panda Express? #NationalPandaDay
March 16, 2017
For someone who likes to tell people what to do my wife is terrible at giving directions.
March 18, 2017
Very few establishments have a place where I can park my horse. #WhatIveLearnedLivingInTheCity
March 18, 2017
…I dunno–but I’m sure Larry H. Parker will figure something out. #MyRetirementPlanIs
March 19, 2017
#IfICouldMakeTimeStandStill…I would do it when people are sneezing so I could see how funny they look.
March 20, 2017
One of upsides of global warming? I won’t be the only one not wearing pants.
March 24, 2017
Eating candy found on the floor is generally a bad idea–unless it’s a Skittle: then it’s totally worth the risk.
March 25, 2017
#FakeWireTappingFacts: Alexander Graham Bell was hired by the NSA to invent the telephone so the government had a way to spy on people.
March 26, 2017
#UnnecessaryConfessions: I always count the change because I don’t trust cashiers who can’t get a job that pays better than minimum wage.
March 27, 2017
April
#HowIBondWithMyPet: We both poop on the lawns of people we don’t like.
April 5, 2017
Like a scorned lover harassing his ex-girlfriend, I spend my evenings getting drunk & Tweeting at companies that have wronged me.
April 8, 2017
#SignsThatYourNoLongerInLove Wife: “I’m pregnant and you’re not the father.” Husband: “Congratulations! What’s for dinner?”
April 13, 2017
#SignsThatYourNoLongerInLove: She draws a mustache and horns on all your photos.
April 13, 2017
#ItsNotTactfulTo: pick your nose and eat it, but it tastes so dang good.
April 15, 2017
#IfPoliticiansToldTheTruth: No one would serve a full term.
April 20, 2017
#ReasonsToLeaveEarth: Thanks to a typo, the restraining order won’t allow me within 1000 miles of a school or church.
April 22, 2017
Would it be wrong if i started bringing magazines to work so I’d have something to read when I go to the bathroom?
April 23, 2017
#AdviceForPeopleJoiningTwitter: Confirm your ID by posting your date of birth, home address, social security number, & mother’s maiden name.
April 24, 2017
It’s an odd dichotomy of needs when you have pee and are really thirsty at the same time.
April 25, 2017
#WednesdayWisdom: If you need to ask, “What is that terrible smell” you really don’t want to know the answer.
April 26, 2017
#HintsYoureInHell: The cassette deck of your ’85 Pontiac has a Sinéad O’Connor tape stuck on a loop. Oh, that and you have an ’85 Pontiac.
April 26, 2017
Why does all leftover Chinese food, no matter what it is (beef/pork/noodle/etc), always smells exactly the same–like leftover Chinese food?
April 29, 2017
May
#ISawMommy_SantaClaus: “…wondering if she had too much to drink because it’s May and she thought she saw….”
May 3, 2017
#IllAlwaysRegret: The date I got married…wait–did you say “regret” or “forget?”
May 4, 2017
#DarthVadersOtherSecrets: He’s able to lift objects using his mind but can’t remember to lift the toilet seat up when he has to pee.
May 4, 2017
#DarthVadersOtherSecrets: Luke and Leia aren’t his only kids.
May 4, 2017
…my neighbor would stop complaining when I poop on his lawn. #IfIWereADog
May 5, 2017
The wife told me I’m a good husband & a great father. That’s high praise from someone who insists I’m a terrible person.
May 6, 2017
…Slavery had nothing to do with it. The South was upset the North tried to ban its plastic bags. #FakeCivilWarFacts
May 7, 2017
The commercial success of Mother’s Day is due to high number of adults who feel guilty for being terrible children.
May 14, 2017
#2017DatingAdvice: Don’t like any of your girlfriend’s Instagram pics — it’ll upset your wife.
May 16, 2017
I hate a slightly wrong clock. Not wrong enough for you to notice–just wrong enough to convince you it’s right & make you late for work.
May 17, 2017
The only thing more volatile than the price of eggs is my temper.
May 19, 2017
When I die I want the mortician to keep my eyes open so everyone can see my best feature.
May 20, 2017
I worry that the Greeks were right and we’ve been praying to the wrong god(s) for the past 2000 years.
May 22, 2017
#HonestReportCards: The mere fact that she’s not pregnant by now is a tremendous accomplishment!
May 27, 2017
#HonestReportCards: Her best hope is that her looks carry her through college and she marries rich before she turns 25.
May 27, 2017
#HonestReportCards: I’ll be surprised if your son doesn’t end up being serial killer.
May 27, 2017
I’m fairly certain the only reason I watched “ThunderCats” was because it was on.
May 27, 2017
#ThingsYouDontAccept…Items that cost more than 99 cents at the @99Only Store. C’mon guys–it’s in your name: “99¢ Only”!
May 28, 2017
June
The words “social” and “media” meant something very different 20 years ago. #SocialMediaTaughtMe
June 1, 2017
#EveryoneTellsMe, “You need to wear pants if you want to shop here.”
June 4, 2017
#DescribeAFriendLikeACar: The backseat sags a little and she’s always leaking fluids.
June 6, 2017
What’s the point in making my two year-old brush her teeth when they’re all gonna get replaced in five years?
June 15, 2017
The Wife and I found a restaurant that serves both Coke and Pepsi–all of our marital problems are solved!
June 17, 2017
Using a urinal at a water park can be embarrassing because–well, you know–shrinkage.
June 23, 2017
July
The Wife bought a new bathroom spray I’m supposed to use before I go. Who has time to spray before you go?
July 1, 2017
#SignsThatYoureOld: “Back in my day you didn’t need Netflix to chill.”
July 6, 2017
#SignsThatYoureOld: You had to pick up your dates because women weren’t allowed to drive.
July 6, 2017
The circle is now complete and the student has become the master: I bribed my daughter to do simple tasks one peanut at a time.
July 8, 2017
My daughter’s favorite princess is Leia, so I must be doing something right.
July 9, 2017
#WhatILearnedAtTheBeach: Fish pee tastes salty.
July 10, 2017
My daughter has been saying “keep the change!” Where do kids learn this stuff? She certainly didn’t hear it from me.
July 14, 2017
I’m fairly certain shoes were invented because mankind needed an efficient tool to squish spiders.
July 25, 2017
August
One of the side effects of working in education is you have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is during the summer.
August 6, 2017
I made history this week by becoming the 1st person to get an indoor sunburn: I took nap without a shirt on near an open window & got burnt.
August 7, 2017
I realized something today: “Goldilocks & the Three Bears” lacks a good climax.
August 26, 2017
September
My favorite album over the past few years is the “Moana” soundtrack, which probably says a lot about my stage in life.
September 4, 2017
Can you make stupid people feel stupid? Would they even know?
September 13, 2017
#WhatILearnedToday…Make an appointment; don’t make an appointment. It doesn’t matter–if you have to go to the DMV be prepared to wait.
September 18, 2017
I don’t like to cover my mouth when I sneeze because I don’t want my hands to get wet.
September 28, 2017
October
#IStayInShapeBy: I pay someone to workout with me. Did I say ‘with?’ I meant ‘for.’ I pay someone to workout for me.
October 5, 2017
There’s a reason I’m against repealing the Second Amendment. See, I have a daughter. And when she’s starts dating I’m gonna need a gun.
October 7, 2017
(After exciting baseball game) ME: Wife, you’re getting laid tonight! WIFE: Huh? What? The Dodgers won. Why am I getting punished.
October 28, 2017
Captain Underpants is not an ideal Halloween costume when you work at an elementary school–especially if you use real underpants.
October 31, 2017
November
I don’t want my daughter eating sweets. That’s why I eat her Halloween candy before she gets to it.
November 1, 2017
#MyBodyLanguageSays: I get my money’s worth at a buffet.
November 7, 2017
#MyBodyLanguageSays: That dude has terrible health insurance.
November 7, 2017
I wanted to hire some Native Americans to serve Thanksgiving dinner but the catering service told me was racist.
November 23, 2017
#RememberWhatISaid: enjoy it while you can, because eventually the monkeys or the machines will be in charge.
November 26, 2017
December
#ReallyDumbAssumptions: It’ll heal on its own.
December 16, 2017
I instructed my daughter to leave Santa a plate of cookies…for all eight nights of Hanukkah. Don’t worry–they’ll get eaten.
December 23, 2017
When a fat guy wears The Flash t-shirt does he not realize how ridiculous that looks? Or is he trying to be ironic?
December 24, 2017
I prefer female doctors over male doctors because they have to work twice as hard for 85% of the pay, so I figure they know their stuff.
December 28, 2017