January
I had a wonderful childhood except my father didn’t love me and I had to live in the snow.
January 1, 2019
Most guys want a beer after a long day at work. I want a doughnut.
January 2, 2019
I severely doubt the accuracy of mood rings because the one emotion I have doesn’t fall on its spectrum: angry.
January 6, 2019
WIFE: You’ve been real very to me lately & I wanted to let you know I appreciate it. ME: I’ve always been nice to you. It’s just taken you this long to realize it.
January 7, 2019
How does Red Lobster pull off its name? Would it work for other restaurants and food? Would you eat at Orange Hot Dog? Grey Hamburger? Brown Tacos? Never mind–that sounds racist.
January 9, 2019
Friday is “Dress as a Character From Your Favorite Book Day” at my school. I narrowed it down to Pennywise the Clown or Christian Gray.
January 10, 2019
If I need to drink eight glasses of water a day, why do I have to pee so much? If anything it seems like my body is telling me I drink too much.
January 11, 2019
I keep a bunch of tools in the trunk of my car. I probably won’t ever need them, but it makes me feel safe knowing theyre there — kinda like how a woman jogger carries pepper spray.
January 16, 2019
I need a tetanus shot because a 1st grader bit me. Maybe rabies too.
January 19, 2019
Is there any greeting more insulting than “Hey you?” What else says “I feel like I should know you but have no idea what your name is” more than “Hey you?”
January 23, 2019
Is there any greeting more insulting than “Hey you?” What else says “I feel like I should know you but have no idea what your name is” more than “Hey you?”
January 23, 2019
Here’s why women have it easier than men: ingrown chest hairs. Those bastards hurt. Sure, women can counter with “giving birth.” But how often does that happen? Once? Twice? Maybe five times. I get an ingrown chest hair every month.
January 24, 2019
My aversion to needles is the sole reason I don’t do heroin.
January 31, 2019
February
“I agree with Hitler” is a point that should not be made in any conversation.
February 1, 2019
It’s February and I still keep writing the wrong year. I thought today was 2017.
February 6, 2019
I have a lot of pent-up sarcasm I need to release.
February 9, 2019
I listen to so much 80s music Alexa probably thinks I’m 15 years older than I really am.
February 15, 2019
I’m hard on my daughter because she’s an only child and I don’t want her to grow up spoiled.
February 16, 2019
I’m fairly certain anal sex was invented by a guy whose girlfriend was on her period.
February 18, 2019