January
The Wife is having ‘baby fever.’ Anyone know where I can get fitted for a chasity belt?
January 3, 2011
I like to melt ice with my pee.
January 4, 2011
Is there anything more degrading than having a cat give you the silent treatment?
January 7, 2011
If you ever wanted to see fully cooked food with the head still attached I highly recommend visiting an Asian supermarket.
January 9, 2011
Tonight’s dinner came in a greasy, translucent bag: that means it’s good–right?
January 14, 2011
Meet or no meat, you’ll still find me eating Taco Bell three times a week.
January 26, 2011
I’m staring at a 12-year old kid–and I have no idea if they’re a boy or a girl. This Justin Bieber look has to go…
January 27, 2011
February
Not a single text message came my way today: I feel like such a loser…
February 8, 2011
Note to self: pick up milk. Ah…now I feel better.
February 8, 2011
I don’t understand how a 12-pound cat can shoot out turds that would make a truck driver envious.
February 12, 2011
If you were to judge a man by his porn, I wouldn’t be allowed near poodles, grandmothers, or midgets.
February 19, 2011
If pooping was an Olympic sport…I would not watch it. And neither would anyone else.
February 22, 2011
March
I bought gas today for the 1st time this year. I wish I could say it’s because I’m eco-friendly, but the reality is I have no place to go.
March 4, 2011
Since we moved in, The Wife hasn’t swept the floor, vacuumed the rug, or emptied the trash…yet she wonders why our apartment stinks.
March 4, 2011
The Wife’s birthday is coming up and I gotta get her a gift: does anyone know where I can find a box with a hole in it?
March 6, 2011
Wine in the box: doesn’t tast good, but certainly does its job.
March 12, 2011
Dude has one line! How was I supposed to know Gilbert Gottfried was the Aflac duck?
March 15, 2011
Are prospective Trade Joe’s employees required to fail a drug test before getting hired? This place has more hippies than 1968.
March 18, 2011
It hurts when I pee: I thought I wasn’t going to have that problem anymore after I got married.
March 22, 2011
After spending all day with rowdy 13-year olds, I have realized spankings must really be allowed in schools. All I need is a ruler…
March 23, 2011
If you ignore the context of the word, I think Chlamydia would make a lovely name for a girl.
March 26, 2011
I find it ironic to discard cat poo in Panda Express bags considering how often Chinese food is made from cats.
March 26, 2011
Broadcaster Nomar Garciaparra pulled a hamstring calling tonight’s Cardinal/Padre game and is expected to miss the next 6-8 weeks.
March 31, 2011
April
I stopped showering on Sundays. I don’t know when it happened or how…it just sorta did.
April 10, 2011
Insightful–yet worrisome–statement from The Wife: “I don’t like having cash because I spend it.” Yikes!
April 15, 2011
We just started April two weeks ago: why does it feels like the month is halfway over?
April 16, 2011
Is it a sin to fall asleep in church? Really?!?!? What if it’s really, really boring?
April 23, 2011
I’m not sure I’ll be able to enjoy my vacation knowing I forgot to turn off my microwave oven.
April 24, 2011
Why does The Wife ask for my opinion when decorating the house? That’s like me asking her for advice on a fantasy baseball trade.
April 30, 2011
May
Things you can only see in Vegas: Darth Vader and Elvis Priestley hanging out on street corner together: http://bit.ly/ja3rjC
May 1, 2011
When you make your living as an Elvis impersonator, do you start off skinny as young Elvis and move on to fat Elvis as you get older?
May 1, 2011
Do you think bankruptcy lawyers take checks? Given their clients, I’d think it would be a “cash only” enterprise.
May 7, 2011
June
Ever accidently swallow an unchewed Cheerio? That’s an awkward feeling.
June 9, 2011
The Wife desperately needs a gay best friend. Hell, I need for her to have a gay best friend simply so I can avoid trips to Ikea.
June 11, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. It wasn’t wrapped in newspaper, but I get the feeling someone is trying to send me a message.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today: 4,999 more and we’ll have a sign of the Apocalypse.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I don’t know how, but I’m pretty sure my indoor cat is somehow responsible.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I’m not sure if I should call the police…or just get a shovel.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I’m fairly certain it’s not a phoenix because he’s showing no signs of coming back.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I’d notify next of kin, but he didn’t have a wallet.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. That’s one less bird cluttering our skies.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. The early bird catches the worm. And apparently heart disease.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I’m not sure what he was doing, but he had a lock-pick and roll of duct tape.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I think the neighborhood kids got their BB gun back.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. All I need now is a frying pan and some ketchup.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I’m willing to bet he won’t be flying south for the winter.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. Looks like Henery Hawk finally got his man.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. The timing couldn’t be better because I can’t find my hacky sack.
June 16, 2011
I found a dead bird outside my door today. I wonder if this was a natural death or were the possums trying to keep him from testifying.
June 16, 2011
I want to wish all the moms out there a Happy Father’s Day.
June 19, 2011
I would delete you as a Facebook friend, but I don’t know how.
June 19, 2011
At my funeral, there better be a taco bar.
June 22, 2011
What kind of wine goes with Chinese food? Red? White? Yellow?
June 25, 2011
July
You know you’ve spent too much time on Wikipedia when you’re reading entries about “Herman’s Head.”
July 6, 2011
I don’t care who he has banged or how many women adore him: Justin Timberlake is gay! How am I the only person who realizes this?!?!?
July 13, 2011
The improper disposal of chewed gum should be a crime punishable by death.
July 17, 2011
Any truth to the rumour that Barolo Colon missed two years of baseball because he was busy eating?
July 19, 2011
If lightening were to strike me down…I would not complain.
July 28, 2011
I appear to have misplaced my jellybeans.
July 29, 2011
August
Anyone want to buy some used condoms? Only used once.
August 5, 2011
I find fashion confusing: what can be more important in life than a comfortable pair of shoes?
August 14, 2011
The best part of being in a loud, crowded room is you can really let one rip…and no one will hear it.
August 21, 2011
Have you ever stopped to admire the art in a public restroom stall? Some of it is quite impressive.
August 21, 2011
I can’t tell if Ricky Gervais is witty or if he just SOUNDS witty because he speaks with an English accent.
August 31, 2011
September
I was hoping to get a friend & listen to my AlanisMorissette CD, but then I realized it’s not 1995 anymore nor do I know any angry lesbians.
September 2, 2011
There was a time in my life where I thought I knew everything and the time I actually did.
September 8, 2011
Wow, female marines are lesbians: who knew?
September 20, 2011
If dirty deeds are done dirt cheap, why does it cost so much to hire a handyman?
September 28, 2011
October
The job market has gotten so bad I’m thinking of turning to a life of crime. It pays better AND they have openings!
October 4, 2011
When using the restroom, I like to wash my hands before handling my junk. I’m not a germaphobe–I just know where my hands have been…
October 20, 2011
Monkeys: good for movies; bad for the future of our species.
October 21, 2011
I noticed my nails (both finger and toes) have been growing extremely fast lately. Maybe it’s time to cut back on the milk.
October 23, 2011
I thought microblog was the slang term for corrupt Illinois politician with a small penis.
October 26, 2011
Either Sam L Jackson is having dinner next to me at Acapulco or I’m a bigger racist than I realized ’cause this guy looks just like him.
October 30, 2011
Woke up. Got out out of bed. Found a hooker besides me dead.
October 30, 2011
November
My long-standing hatred towards Kevin Costner might be outdated. Perhaps I should refocus my animosity towards someone who is more relevant.
November 3, 2011
I could use a vacation: do you know I haven’t been to Vegas since the last time I was there?
November 5, 2011
CBS showed a closeup of the Bills’ cheerleaders. Talk about some dogs. There must be some real ugly women in Buffalo.
November 6, 2011
If my car was a person it would be old enough to get a job, which is ironic considering it doesn’t work.
November 14, 2011
An Asian woman nearly leveled me w/her shopping cart & didn’t even have the decency to apologize. Even w/o cars Asians are bad drivers.
November 23, 2011
December
My employer wants us to take a sexual harassment training course, which is good because I hope to become a better sexual harasser.
December 2, 2011
#TwoThingsThatNeverMix Bleach & ammonia. Learned that the hard way as we had to evacuate the McDonald’s I worked at in high school.
December 3, 2011
I, too, am thinking of hiring a management team to express my deep and personal thoughts for me here on Twitter.
December 9, 2011
Nothing says Christmas like a string of lights hung from a palm tree. #XmasInSoCal
December 9, 2011
I wonder what this button does… #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 15, 2011
If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Damn–didn’t work. #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me… #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
Ouch! #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
Yes, I would like fries with that. #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
Maybe we should cut the blue wire instead… #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
Let’s see if we can make him mad. #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
This is really good Kool-Aid. #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 17, 2011
I knew I should have spent a little bit more on a good prostitute. #MyLastWordsWillBe
December 19, 2011
How can you tell when you’ve reached rock bottom? When you’re shopping for The Wife’s Xmas present at a 99 Cents Only Store.
December 23, 2011
#ifsantawasblack he’d get pulled over for driving an expensive sleigh in a good neighborhood. What? White people can’t make that joke?
December 24, 2011
It should be Christmas every day: there’s no traffic anywhere!
December 25, 2011
Perhaps gift-wrapped divorce papers are not the best choice as a Christmas present for a spouse.
December 31, 2011