Tweets « Siknerd: Home of the iRANT | funny stories, random thoughts, and many, many complaints

#RememberWhatISaid: enjoy it while you can, because eventually the monkeys or the machines will be in charge.

#RememberWhatISaid: enjoy it while you can, because eventually the monkeys or the machines will be in charge.

I wanted to hire some Native Americans to serve Thanksgiving dinner but the catering service told me was racist.

I wanted to hire some Native Americans to serve Thanksgiving dinner but the catering service told me was racist.

#MyBodyLanguageSays: That dude has terrible health insurance.

#MyBodyLanguageSays: That dude has terrible health insurance.

#MyBodyLanguageSays: I get my money’s worth at a buffet.

#MyBodyLanguageSays: I get my money’s worth at a buffet.

I don’t want my daughter eating sweets. That’s why I eat her Halloween candy before she gets to it.

I don’t want my daughter eating sweets. That’s why I eat her Halloween candy before she gets to it.

Captain Underpants is not an ideal Halloween costume when you work at an elementary school–especially if you use real underpants.

Captain Underpants is not an ideal Halloween costume when you work at an elementary school–especially if you use real underpants.

(After exciting baseball game) ME: Wife, you’re getting laid tonight! WIFE: Huh? What? The Dodgers won. Why am I getting punished.

(After exciting baseball game) ME: Wife, you’re getting laid tonight! WIFE: Huh? What? The Dodgers won. Why am I getting punished.

There’s a reason I’m against repealing the Second Amendment. See, I have a daughter. And when she’s starts dating I’m gonna need a gun.

There’s a reason I’m against repealing the Second Amendment. See, I have a daughter. And when she’s starts dating I’m gonna need a gun.

#IStayInShapeBy: I pay someone to workout with me. Did I say ‘with?’ I meant ‘for.’ I pay someone to workout for me.

#IStayInShapeBy: I pay someone to workout with me. Did I say ‘with?’ I meant ‘for.’ I pay someone to workout for me.

I don’t like to cover my mouth when I sneeze because I don’t want my hands to get wet.

I don’t like to cover my mouth when I sneeze because I don’t want my hands to get wet.