If you give me 48 hours I can tell you what the weather was like tomorrow.
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Eleven years is a long run, but the time has come for me to replace my toothbrush. Whoever invented the tradition of pinching people who don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day clearly did not work at an elementary school. When my wife turned 30 I was more upset than she was. Who wants to be married to an old lady? I used my cop voice on a rowdy first grader this morning. Scared him so much he peed his pants. I thought I needed a haircut because stray hairs kept appearing in my peripheral vision but it turned out to be just my eyebrows. I am a “t-shirt and jeans” type of guy–except I really don’t like wearing jeans. Thanks to my disposal method of dirty diapers I can use the term “crap bag” in its proper context. What exactly is ‘raw’ sewage?’ Does it taste better than ‘cooked sewage?’ Three of my five most frequently dialed numbers are pizzerias, which means I need reassess my dining habits or social life. |
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