I wish my students would spend less time saying sorry and more time not screwing up.

Every time I ask my daughter if she went potty she says no. I don’t know if she’s lying or completely unaware because I can smell it from across the room.

One time a friend bet me that I couldn’t eat a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts by myself. I might have won the bet, but there were no winners that day.

Asking the bank for a loan to get breast implants is a bad idea. Unless you’re a stripper — then it’s a good career investment.

I think smoke detectors are more trouble than they’re worth–especially when you burn food as often as I do.