Twitter Quip

    Bonked, stung, burnt, poked, and other bodily experiences

    I have a theory that when I was a little kid–possibly even before I was born–a giant bonked me on the head with the bottom of his fist. It’s the only explanation I can come up with. My head is a gigantic enormousity. My feet are too wide for the widest shoes Nike can make. My broad shoulders make sitting next to someone in a movie theater or ball game extremely uncomfortable. Even my tonsils have been diagnosis as “unusually large” by doctors. I’ve got a six-foot-five body stuck in a five-foot-six frame. Everything it too wide. Even something as simple as buying batting gloves proves to be difficult (the sizer says my fingers are as long as a tee baller but because my wrist is wider than a sumo wrestler’s, they always rip at the seams). It’s discouraging ’cause nothing on my body fits my body. Even my wide ass doesn’t fit for someone this short–or white.

    I know I don’t entirely take care of myself. I’m getting better. Now I take Tylenol when I get a headache and Tums for indigestion. But I used to just ‘tough’ out uncomfortable situations. As I get older, I’m doing a better . . . . .

     

    Knocked out of touch with modern humor

    I got old fast. I don’t know when it happened, but at one point I turned into an old fuddy-duddy. This weekend, I tried to watch “Knocked Up.” I say tried because I turned the DVD off about 40 minutes into the movie. I found the dialogue to be incredibly crude and offensive. Pubic hair this. Pubic hair that. Smoke some weed. Talking about smoking weed. More pubic hair references. It was beyond lowbrow. It was crude and offensive.

    I don’t think necessarily the subject matters bothered me–I just didn’t like how things were presented. There can be plenty of funny, obscene jokes. There real talent is in how you deliver them. In “Knocked Up,” the script made no attempt to be creative. The mere mention of the word ‘bush’ was supposed to be funny. To me, that’s not funny–is vulgar.

    Maybe I’m just too out of touch with things. I know this Judd Apatow is supposed to be the greatest thing in cinema comedy today. Maybe the film was smarter than I give it credit for–it wanted to show how the main character and his friends are all a bunch of lowlife losers. But as far as interesting dialogue, . . . . .

     

    Aging gracefully with broken teeth

    Don’t try to eat Cap’n Crunch when your teeth hurt: you’re better off chewing on tin foil.

    While those who are close to me dispute it, I think I definitely look younger than I am. I will admit that I’m having difficulty accepting the fact I’m older and my current age (I still haven’t verbalized it yet), it doesn’t change the fact many people think I’m younger than I am.

    We hired a new receptionist about two months ago and just recently I’ve started talking to her. See, everyone wants to be in the television business. We hire a lot of folks who are looking to become stars. They take crappy jobs (like receptionist) in hopes of it getting their foot in the door. Usually after being with us for a month, they realize there is no door and they’re working a crappy job at a tiny television station. The way I see it: why waste my time getting to know someone when there’s a good chance they’re gonna quit in a month anyway?

    But since the receptionist has been with us for longer than a month, I decided to start talking to her. We have a bit of a . . . . .