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I hate traffic. It’s probably because I’m an impatient person. Disneyland is my worst nightmare because the lines and a traffic jam is nothing but a line with cars. My job, my girl, my family–they all live within ten minutes because if I had to drive 11 minutes, I probably wouldn’t see any of them again.
Last month I caught in the mother of all traffic jams. I know there have been 80-car pile-ups in the Midwest, but since that hasn’t happened to me I’m gonna pretend they never happened. I was sitting on the 210 freeway–completely not moving–for reasons unknown. I know this is SoCal and folks sit in traffic jams everyday–but not me. The idiots who work in LA and live in OC brought that upon themselves. If they wanna sit in traffic for an hour each way, that’s their business–the lifestyle they chose. But not me. I hate traffic more Kevin Costner movies and people who vote for the Green Party. You’re forced to do nothing but sit and wait. I’m not an important person–but I have more important things to do than sit around twiddling my thumbs.
I called The Girlfriend up. She said according to . . . . .
My dear friend Red Jesus owes me a rather sizable sum of money and when I bought pizza tonight, it bumped up the tab ten bucks. “That’s $83 you owe me now,” I reminded him.
Being the kind of person who doesn’t like having debt hanging over his head, Red Jesus reached for his wallet. He didn’t have the $83 on him–but he had some cash and wanted to make a dent in his outstanding debt. “Here ya go,” he said and handed me some cash.
“Three bucks?” I said to him.
“You’ll get your money,” he said, tying to justify the smallest good-faith payment the world has ever seen. With deadbeats like that, who needs enemies?
Let’s dive into a quickie about the health care industry. Since Dr. Zaius and Sacred Heart Hospital tried killing me (which is another story I’d like to tell–but we’ll save that for different day), I wanna see a different doctor regarding my deviated septum. I don’t know why it took me two months to contact the insurance (maybe it’s because deep-down, I knew it’d be a pain in the ass). I called the insurance and explained my situation. Dr. Zaius said I had . . . . .
I can’t think of a bigger waste of space in California than carpool lanes (well, maybe golf courses). Carpool lanes are put on freeways to encourage commuters to rideshare. In theory, carpoolers are rewarded with a lane that has less traffic and shortens their commute. It sounds like a lovely idea and the intentions are honorable. Less cars on the road means a cleaner environment, decrease in freeway congestion, lowering of gas prices, and a more productive and happy workforce.
But it’s all a load of crap.
First of all, NO ONE in California carpools–at least not in SoCal. The Girlfriend and I both have the same employer. We both live in the same complex. Yet we each take separate cars to work because our shifts don’t start or end at the same time. Carpooling isn’t feasible because I’d end up sitting around with nothing to do for 90 minutes in the morning; she’d do the same in the afternoon. And we’re lucky enough to identical starting points and destinations.
The idea of strangers commuting together every morning is utterly ridiculous. Rush hour traffic is impossible–on and off the freeways. If I had to go two miles out of my . . . . .
I had a couple incidents today on the road that made me realize the world is full of idiots (okay, maybe I didn’t learn that today–but I needed something to open this topic). I went to a gas station for a fill up. The gas station was pretty busy and most terminals were full. Two spots opened on the same side of one island. I was behind a woman who pulled into the first spot…and stopped her car. Because she didn’t pull all the way up to the first pump, I had to drive all the way around the station and attempt to back into the spot. This whole thing coulda been avoided if she just pulled all the way up.
I know she had to see me behind her–she had to…otherwise she was completely clueless to her surroundings. Either she saw me or she forgot the whole looking-in-rearview-mirrors-thing they teach in driver’s ed. If she didn’t see me, I don’t wanna be anywhere near this dame when she makes a lane change.
I’m leaning towards she did see me–which means one of two things.
1) She saw me and didn’t think to pull up to the first pump.2) She . . . . .
It’s that time of year again. All the little Girl Scouts are setup at supermarkets, shopping malls, and even your front door, knocking their delicious treats. I’ve always been pro-children, but I’m not sure how I feel about Girl Scout Cookies. It’s one of my personal policies to pull over and buy lemonade whenever I see a kid sitting at his own lemonade stand. I’ve always felt adults should reward positive behavior. If some eight-year old girl has the initiative and drive to sell lemonade at 50 cents a glass, adults should take three minutes out of their day and buy some. You might not be thirsty, but it doesn’t matter. Just think how much you made that kid’s day. They might have only made $8 for six hours of work, but $8 to a kid is like winning the lottery. Besides, at least this way they learn how to work for a living instead of having everything given to them. I just believe in reinforcing positive behaviour–and the lemonade stand issue is one of the things I live by.
That being said, I feel uncomfortable buying Girl Scout Cookies. While I applaud the kids for their effort and I . . . . .
I want to start an activist campaign to abolish and outlaw all activist groups. I’m so sick of organizations grandstanding for their cause–no matter how ridiculous their demands may be. I’m tired of PETA feuding with KFC. I’m fed up with watching Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton protest the imprisonment of obviously guilty black men. I know I can be the only one. Enough is enough.
The latest is some autism group protesting “Big Brother.” I don’t watch the show so I can’t tellya what happened firsthand, but supposedly one contestant called someone else retarded. Immediately on the show he was lambasted for his insensitivity by other housemates and I would imagine the show didn’t paint him in a positive light.
Nevertheless, Autism United has decided to exploit this situation for its own benefit (and raise more money in the process). They’re demanding that CBS cancel the show immediately. Autism United is also encouraging advertisers to withdraw from sponsoring the show.
And to that, I say fat chance.
Like CBS is gonna cancel a highly-rated program at a time when few networks have original content. “Big Brother” has been on for eight years–and CBS is gonna pull it now because . . . . .
I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize last month. I answered the phone to a person who asked me if I speak Spanish.
“No,” I told him.
He asked me again. I’m not sure why (I’m pretty sure the Spanish translation of ‘no’ is ‘no’). Perhaps he though my answer might’ve change in the past two second.
“Why would I speak Spanish,” I asked him. “This is America–we speak English in America.”
“Hablas espanol?”
“Who is this,” I demanded. The guy must not’ve understood the question because he stuttered. I didn’t wait for him to respond. “Why are you calling me and asking me if I speak Spanish? I’m an American in America and I speak English–I don’t appreciate strangers calling me up and asking me if I speak Spanish.”
After a long pause (probably because he was using his pocket dictionary to translate what I said), he hung up the phone, ending the most unwanted phone conversation in the history of the world (no, I don’t think I’m overstating it).
My take on this isn’t exactly unique, but that won’t stop me from complaining. It really makes me mad how many people I come across . . . . .
I saw someone using a pay phone last week. That was an odd sight–I didn’t even know pay phones existed anymore. Who needs them–doesn’t everyone have a cell phone nowadays (I have two)?
The thing is, pay phones are actually everywhere–I noticed this after I started thinking about pay phones. They’re still out there. With everyone having cells, pay phones can’t be making any money–I wonder if there’s some sorta government subsidiary to keep ’em around (like a safety issue or sumhin’). Even in a great location, how does a pay phone average more than a call a day? At 25 cents a call, that’s only like 28 bucks a month. It might be more than I make, but certainly not an endeavored worth investing in.
Unlike most guys in the country, I’m not dreading February 14th. I don’t hafta deal with teddy bears and heart-shaped chocolates because The Girlfriend doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day. The Girlfriend realizes that I treat her like a goddess year round and there’s no need to do anything special mid-February because Hallmark says so.
I am a long-time VD-hater–and not just because my horrific adventures in singlehood. I believe Valentine’s Day is an insignificant, . . . . .
Nothing pisses me off more than walking out to my car after a long day of work only to find an advertisement tucked under my windshield wiper (‘cept maybe Kevin Costner movies and the Sprint corporation). I hate those flyer for about a million reasons. I think they should be illegal because they bring more harm than good. When I was a kid, my folks used to make me pass out flyers for their failing restaurant, but that has nothing to do with it.
I’m not a tree-hugging hippie–I like to shower and don’t smoke pot. But I despise waste. And to me, windshield wiper flyers are nothing but waste. They’re unsolicited ads that can’t possibly be efficient. How many windshield wiper flyers have influence your shopping habits? Suppose one in a hundred actually get customers into a store, it’s still terribly ineffective–and I don’t even think that many actually work.
Even more distressing, most folks who find an ad placed on their car don’t have trash cans with them. You can always tell when someone was placing ads on cars because the parking lot is littered with discarded flyers. Most folks simply take the unwanted ad off their car . . . . .
I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an important person. Stock markets don’t crash without me; lives aren’t lost if I can’t be found. Yet here I am–one individual–with four phone numbers that are solely for my use. I have a home phone that I never use (a requirement to have DSL), a personal cell phone, a work-issued cell phone, and an office line. One person, four phone numbers. No wonder we keep running out of area codes.
Imagine if I had any importance.
Heath Ledger died this week. I’m neither happy nor sad by this news. From what I’ve been told, he was a pretty good actor–but I wouldn’t know. The only thing I ever saw him in was “Ten Things I Hate About You” (it was for an English class–I swear). But like I said, I’m pretty apathetic to his death. The Fiancee thinks I’m a horrible person because I don’t think his death is sad. Why would I think it’s sad? It doesn’t affect me. People die all the time and society is never sad for the countless 28-year old nobodies who die on a daily basis. Maybe if I knew Heath Ledger or saw a . . . . .
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