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I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an important person. Stock markets don’t crash without me; lives aren’t lost if I can’t be found. Yet here I am–one individual–with four phone numbers that are solely for my use. I have a home phone that I never use (a requirement to have DSL), a personal cell phone, a work-issued cell phone, and an office line. One person, four phone numbers. No wonder we keep running out of area codes.
Imagine if I had any importance.
Heath Ledger died this week. I’m neither happy nor sad by this news. From what I’ve been told, he was a pretty good actor–but I wouldn’t know. The only thing I ever saw him in was “Ten Things I Hate About You” (it was for an English class–I swear). But like I said, I’m pretty apathetic to his death. The Fiancee thinks I’m a horrible person because I don’t think his death is sad. Why would I think it’s sad? It doesn’t affect me. People die all the time and society is never sad for the countless 28-year old nobodies who die on a daily basis. Maybe if I knew Heath Ledger or saw a . . . . .
I realized that recently I have been writing way too much about movies and televisions (probably because I haven’t done anything but sit and watch TV the past few weeks). Well enough is enough: I am implementing a new, self-imposed embargo on the movie business. Enough complaining, bitching, or nitpicking about Hollywood. If the writers can be on strike, I can too. Although technically, I wouldn’t be on strike. But that’s not the point–I need something else to complain about. I wonder what Sprint is up too…
I’d like to take a moment to announce that The Girlfriend has hereby officially been promoted to The Fiancee. I proposed to her on Monday and she said yes. Not there was any doubt. I must’ve made over a hundred marriage proposals throughout my years–but this was the first one where I had a ring (second where I knew the girl’s name). I knew she was going to accept because Monday was Martin Luther King Day–the most romantic and sexiest holiday of the year.
A lot of guys propose with bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates. They engineer the perfect, romantic evening. Luckily, I knew my gal wanted none of that. We . . . . .
I got old fast. I don’t know when it happened, but at one point I turned into an old fuddy-duddy. This weekend, I tried to watch “Knocked Up.” I say tried because I turned the DVD off about 40 minutes into the movie. I found the dialogue to be incredibly crude and offensive. Pubic hair this. Pubic hair that. Smoke some weed. Talking about smoking weed. More pubic hair references. It was beyond lowbrow. It was crude and offensive.
I don’t think necessarily the subject matters bothered me–I just didn’t like how things were presented. There can be plenty of funny, obscene jokes. There real talent is in how you deliver them. In “Knocked Up,” the script made no attempt to be creative. The mere mention of the word ‘bush’ was supposed to be funny. To me, that’s not funny–is vulgar.
Maybe I’m just too out of touch with things. I know this Judd Apatow is supposed to be the greatest thing in cinema comedy today. Maybe the film was smarter than I give it credit for–it wanted to show how the main character and his friends are all a bunch of lowlife losers. But as far as interesting dialogue, . . . . .
It was a very interesting day. Long, but interesting.
Why did I say that? I hate the word ‘interesting.’ To me, 90 per cent of the time when people use the word ‘interesting’ it’s because their vocabulary isn’t diverse enough to describe what they want. Look at the word. Interesting can mean so many different things. It’s a word without a set definition. For example, if you described someone’s haircut as interesting you didn’t describe it at all. Is it a good haircut or a bad haircut? Is it something odd or unusual? ‘Interesting’ says nothing about the haircut because the word is so indescript.
I’ll get off my high horse now.
I just read that Hollywood is planning on remaking “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” This is on a day, when I discovered a remake of “Fahrenheit 451” is also in the works. I find this to be so appalling. This is just the state of the movie business nowadays–because it is a business and quality films aren’t the slightest concern of Hollywood executives. It just irks me–there isn’t a single fresh idea out there. Why would they? Why would Hollywood gamble $50 million on unique idea that . . . . .
Just to prove I’m not a racist, I hate white actors, too–I’ve hated Kevin Costner ever since I was a kid. I’m not sure when I realized it, but I’ve always felt the guy is a total fraud. In the early 90s, he was considered the best actor in Hollywood. But even as a kid, I could tell the guy was as wooden as my kitchen table. I never saw any emotion out of him–he went through all his films as if he was doped up on valium. Remember his ‘Cajun’ accent in “JFK?” How about when he was the only New Englander in “Thirteen Days” without an accent? “Dances with Wolves” sucked and he’s been overrated ever since then. I don’t even know why he’s considered a star. When was the last time one of his movies was a hit?
I don’t eat right–I know it. But it doesn’t take a genius to know that meals of pizza, burgers, tacos, and Capt’n Crunch isn’t the key to a healthy lifestyle. The thing is, I’m not what you call a broccoli and corn kinda guy. I’m a picky eater and given the choice, there’s no way I’m eating vegetables–not when . . . . .
I’ve got a great idea for a new game show–it’s called “English…or Gay?” The game consists of two people: a subject and a contestant. The subject is asked a series of questions by the contestant (heritage and sexuality questions not allowed) who then must determine if the subject is English…or gay. You’d hafta use some sorta voice-altering equipment otherwise that would be a dead give away–but the video can remain the same. That’s what makes it a challenge–’cause English guys look so gay. I should call Mark Burnett. Or is this more of a Merv Griffin game?
While at Blockbuster video today, I noticed something. The movie industry really can’t be that hard to break into because it appears the studios will make anything. I was shocked at the colossal amount of garbage I saw–goofy straight to video flicks that I’ve never heard of–usually starring Tom Arnold (now that James Brown is dead, I think it’s safe to call Tom Arnold ‘The Hardest Working Man in Show Business’–he’s in freakin’ everything). And apparently slapping the words “UNRATED” across a DVD increases sales–’cause it seems like all these whacky comedies are unrated.
I was walking up and down the aisle, . . . . .
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