Twitter Quip

    Dr. Distracted, professional healer

    Last week in soccer class, one of the girls kicked me in the shin. While that’s not an interesting story (actually, it’s a bit embarrassing), the aftermath that followed certainly worth telling. Besides the three-inch by one-inch scab, I also developed a large, yellowish-purple bruise on my leg that could be seen from outer space. My shin became incredibly sensitive to touch (I even hurt myself putting on socks) and on occasions it hurt to walk because I couldn’t put too much weight on it. Since the injury happened at school, I figured I ought to let the school’s health center check me out (that and I don’t have health insurance).

    After being admitted, a youngish doctor entered the examining room carrying my chart and an iPhone. “How did you hurt yourself,” she asked me.

    “Someone kicked me in the shin,” I told her as she looked at her iPhone. “Since it’s been a week and hasn’t shown any signs of healing, I figured I better get it checked out.”

    There was a moment of silence as she typed something on her iPhone. “Uh-huh. What kind of pain do you feel?”

    “Ungawdly, tremendous amounts of pain if I touch it . . . . .

     

    I have a drug problem (& grooming habits for filthy minds)

    I’ve been having a toenail problem lately. My whole life, I cut my toenails once a month–maybe even every six weeks. But lately it seems like my toenails are growing with a fury. I hafta cut ’em once every two weeks or they grow disgustingly long. Making this situation even messier, somehow the left foot and right foot got off cycle. I don’t know how, but at one point I must’ve trimmed one foot and forgot to do the other. So now one set of toenails is much longer than the other. I’ll trim the left toenails but can’t cut the right because they’re too short. A week later, the right nails hafta be cut and I can’t cut the left because I just trimmed ’em the week before. This is totally throwing my grooming habits off…and I’m sure you didn’t wanna hear this.

    Speaking of unpleasant, I’ve been having some pharmaceutical problems lately (boy, I’m just full of problems). I’m not sure if I blame the idiots at the pharmacy or the numbskulls at the doctor’s office, but there’s been a major fussup regarding a prescription I have.

    I used to be on a drug called Ahneedapill. But last . . . . .

     

    Counting Magic’s pills until they’re gone

    I saw a commercial the other day for pharmaceutical school. What sorta education is required to be a pharmacist? You gotta be able to find the medicine prescribed by the doctor–on your shelf–and you gotta be able to count out the number of pills he prescribes. As far as I can tell, all you need is basic reading and counting skills. Your average sixth grader oughta be able to do that. Pharmaceutical college? Yeah, it’s called grade school.

    On November 7, 1991 Magic Johnson announced to the world he was HIV positive and retiring from the NBA. I remember that date (for some reason, I’m really good at remember the dates of bad things) and I’ll never forget the day. I was in school when rumors started running wild. I didn’t believe it until I got home and saw the news. Like every kid of that age, I idolized Magic and Bird–the two greatest basketball players to live (of course, that was before Jordan got good and started winning rings–but that’s neither here nor there).

    November 7, 1991–more than 15 years ago. While it seemed like a death since back then, Magic certainly appears to be alive and well today. . . . . .