Twitter Quip

    A special delivery of stupidity

    I’m tempted to add the US Postal Service to my long list of banned businesses (including, but not limited to: Toys-R-Us, Purrfect Auto Care, the Walt Disney Corporation, Bank of America, Kevin Costner movies, and KFC–which has since been rescinded). That’s right: the Post Office will never get another dime out of me. Kramer was right ten years ago: the Post Office is simply an entity that outlived its time.

    I was at the Post Office because I had to ship a package. When it came time to pay for the postage, the clerk refused my credit card because it wasn’t signed in the back. See, I like to think I’m smarter than the average bear. A signed credit card doesn’t protect you from fraud–hell, it just makes it easier for the criminals to pull off a heist. That’s because with a signed credit card, the deviants have an exact sample of your signature. All they gotta do is practice it at home and–viola!–a perfect forgery. But leaving a blank card is pretty foolish too because the criminal simply sign the card and make “your” signature look anyway he wants. So many years ago, I came up with a foolproof . . . . .

     

    Vehicular litterbugs & other car-related nuisances

    Nothing pisses me off more than walking out to my car after a long day of work only to find an advertisement tucked under my windshield wiper (‘cept maybe Kevin Costner movies and the Sprint corporation). I hate those flyer for about a million reasons. I think they should be illegal because they bring more harm than good. When I was a kid, my folks used to make me pass out flyers for their failing restaurant, but that has nothing to do with it.

    I’m not a tree-hugging hippie–I like to shower and don’t smoke pot. But I despise waste. And to me, windshield wiper flyers are nothing but waste. They’re unsolicited ads that can’t possibly be efficient. How many windshield wiper flyers have influence your shopping habits? Suppose one in a hundred actually get customers into a store, it’s still terribly ineffective–and I don’t even think that many actually work.

    Even more distressing, most folks who find an ad placed on their car don’t have trash cans with them. You can always tell when someone was placing ads on cars because the parking lot is littered with discarded flyers. Most folks simply take the unwanted ad off their car . . . . .

     

    The dietary battle of Good vs. Evil

    Just to prove I’m not a racist, I hate white actors, too–I’ve hated Kevin Costner ever since I was a kid. I’m not sure when I realized it, but I’ve always felt the guy is a total fraud. In the early 90s, he was considered the best actor in Hollywood. But even as a kid, I could tell the guy was as wooden as my kitchen table. I never saw any emotion out of him–he went through all his films as if he was doped up on valium. Remember his ‘Cajun’ accent in “JFK?” How about when he was the only New Englander in “Thirteen Days” without an accent? “Dances with Wolves” sucked and he’s been overrated ever since then. I don’t even know why he’s considered a star. When was the last time one of his movies was a hit?

    I don’t eat right–I know it. But it doesn’t take a genius to know that meals of pizza, burgers, tacos, and Capt’n Crunch isn’t the key to a healthy lifestyle. The thing is, I’m not what you call a broccoli and corn kinda guy. I’m a picky eater and given the choice, there’s no way I’m eating vegetables–not when . . . . .