Twitter Quip

    Cremating drunks can be dangerous because the alco…

    Cremating drunks can be dangerous because the alcohol in their system makes them extra flammable.

    If you were naked & choking on a piece of food…

    If you were naked & choking on a piece of food & the only other person around is another naked man would you let him do Heimlich Maneuver?

    An 80s music video block on VH1 confirmed what I a…

    An 80s music video block on VH1 confirmed what I always suspected: women in the 80s were not attractive.

    My weather app says it’s 95 degrees outside with a…

    My weather app says it’s 95 degrees outside with a high of 88. I think I need a new weather app. Or a cooler sun.

    I caught a kid secretly trying to text in class: I…

    I caught a kid secretly trying to text in class: I don’t know if I should be angry or proud.

    I need to get to work early tomorrow because it’s…

    I need to get to work early tomorrow because it’s doughnut day.

    The less fancy the doughnut the more intrigued I a…

    The less fancy the doughnut the more intrigued I am.

    I’m having a garage sale this weekend. You can bu…

    I’m having a garage sale this weekend. You can buy the garage, but I’m keeping the house.

    If Scotland can secede from Britain, can Californi…

    If Scotland can secede from Britain, can California secede from Mexico?

    It’s going to be 104 today, so you can find me sit…

    It’s going to be 104 today, so you can find me sitting on some lawn furniture in the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store.