Twitter Quip

    I’m a little worried because I ate corn two days a…

    I’m a little worried because I ate corn two days ago and I haven’t seen it come out yet.

    The only thing I like more than helping people is…

    The only thing I like more than helping people is being a selfish jerk.

    Why do some restaurants give away ketchup but char…

    Why do some restaurants give away ketchup but charge extra for ranch? A bottle of Heinz costs just as much Hidden Valley.

    I don’t understand why I have to get my wife. pres…

    I don’t understand why I have to get my wife. present on Mother’s Day–she’s not MY mother.

    I’m too old to be eating lunch with a spork.

    I’m too old to be eating lunch with a spork.

    It has just come to my attention that Supermex is…

    It has just come to my attention that Supermex is not a Latino superhero.

    I love when the amount of cereal remaining in the…

    I love when the amount of cereal remaining in the box equals exactly one bowl. Not too short; not too much–just right.

    My anaconda does want some regardless of whether o…

    My anaconda does want some regardless of whether or not you have buns.

    I know this is a super-girly thing to say, but I r…

    I know this is a super-girly thing to say, but I really need some chocolate.

    A kid said to me, “I wish you were my dad.” I didn…

    A kid said to me, “I wish you were my dad.” I didn’t know if that meant he liked me or has an absentee father.