Twitter Quip

    I dread driving anywhere because it’s so unproduct…

    I dread driving anywhere because it’s so unproductive. Driving to a destination is like waiting in a line that’s moving really fast.

    I don’t understand why politicians have campaign r…

    I don’t understand why politicians have campaign rallies: the only people who show up were going to vote for you anyway.

    Why would anyone want to have a threesome with twi…

    Why would anyone want to have a threesome with twins? It’s twice the work for the same results.

    Having kids: the benefit of having an extra set of…

    Having kids: the benefit of having an extra set of hands doesn’t outweigh the cost of an extra mouth to feed.

    The majority of the people I meet find my sarcasti…

    The majority of the people I meet find my sarcastic, mean-spirited humor to be amusing. Everyone else is a moron.

    I heard a teacher instruct her class to be “super…

    I heard a teacher instruct her class to be “super quiet.” She has high standards. I’d be happy with “regular quiet” or even “sorta quiet.”

    If illegally stealing stuff from work is a crime t…

    If illegally stealing stuff from work is a crime then I don’t want to be right.

    Health Tip of the Day: If you don’t know what that…

    Health Tip of the Day: If you don’t know what that thing growing on your back is, see a doctor.

    Instead of a reasonable, sensible meal three times…

    Instead of a reasonable, sensible meal three times a day I prefer an unreasonable, obnoxiously large meal five or six times a day.

    My Philosophy on Donating to Thrift Shops: just b…

    My Philosophy on Donating to Thrift Shops: just because I’m too good for it doesn’t mean a homeless guy won’t wear it.