(After exciting baseball game) ME: Wife, you’re getting laid tonight! WIFE: Huh? What? The Dodgers won. Why am I getting punished.
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There’s a reason I’m against repealing the Second Amendment. See, I have a daughter. And when she’s starts dating I’m gonna need a gun. #IStayInShapeBy: I pay someone to workout with me. Did I say ‘with?’ I meant ‘for.’ I pay someone to workout for me. I don’t like to cover my mouth when I sneeze because I don’t want my hands to get wet. #WhatILearnedToday…Make an appointment; don’t make an appointment. It doesn’t matter–if you have to go to the DMV be prepared to wait. Can you make stupid people feel stupid? Would they even know? My favorite album over the past few years is the “Moana” soundtrack, which probably says a lot about my stage in life. I realized something today: “Goldilocks & the Three Bears” lacks a good climax. I made history this week by becoming the 1st person to get an indoor sunburn: I took nap without a shirt on near an open window & got burnt. One of the side effects of working in education is you have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is during the summer. |
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