tweets 2017 « Siknerd: Home of the iRANT | funny stories, random thoughts, and many, many complaints

When I die I want the mortician to keep my eyes open so everyone can see my best feature.

When I die I want the mortician to keep my eyes open so everyone can see my best feature.

The only thing more volatile than the price of eggs is my temper.

The only thing more volatile than the price of eggs is my temper.

I hate a slightly wrong clock. Not wrong enough for you to notice–just wrong enough to convince you it’s right & make you late for work.

I hate a slightly wrong clock. Not wrong enough for you to notice–just wrong enough to convince you it’s right & make you late for work.

#2017DatingAdvice: Don’t like any of your girlfriend’s Instagram pics — it’ll upset your wife.

#2017DatingAdvice: Don’t like any of your girlfriend’s Instagram pics — it’ll upset your wife.

The commercial success of Mother’s Day is due to high number of adults who feel guilty for being terrible children.

The commercial success of Mother’s Day is due to high number of adults who feel guilty for being terrible children.

…Slavery had nothing to do with it. The South was upset the North tried to ban its plastic bags. #FakeCivilWarFacts

…Slavery had nothing to do with it. The South was upset the North tried to ban its plastic bags.

#FakeCivilWarFacts

The wife told me I’m a good husband & a great father. That’s high praise from someone who insists I’m a terrible person.

The wife told me I’m a good husband & a great father. That’s high praise from someone who insists I’m a terrible person.

…my neighbor would stop complaining when I poop on his lawn. #IfIWereADog

…my neighbor would stop complaining when I poop on his lawn.

#IfIWereADog

#DarthVadersOtherSecrets: Luke and Leia aren’t his only kids.

#DarthVadersOtherSecrets: Luke and Leia aren’t his only kids.

#DarthVadersOtherSecrets: He’s able to lift objects using his mind but can’t remember to lift the toilet seat up when he has to pee.

#DarthVadersOtherSecrets: He’s able to lift objects using his mind but can’t remember to lift the toilet seat up when he has to pee.