#ItsNotTactfulTo: pick your nose and eat it, but it tastes so dang good.
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#SignsThatYourNoLongerInLove: She draws a mustache and horns on all your photos. #SignsThatYourNoLongerInLove Wife: “I’m pregnant and you’re not the father.” Husband: “Congratulations! What’s for dinner?” Like a scorned lover harassing his ex-girlfriend, I spend my evenings getting drunk & Tweeting at companies that have wronged me. #HowIBondWithMyPet: We both poop on the lawns of people we don’t like. #UnnecessaryConfessions: I always count the change because I don’t trust cashiers who can’t get a job that pays better than minimum wage. #FakeWireTappingFacts: Alexander Graham Bell was hired by the NSA to invent the telephone so the government had a way to spy on people. Eating candy found on the floor is generally a bad idea–unless it’s a Skittle: then it’s totally worth the risk. One of upsides of global warming? I won’t be the only one not wearing pants. #IfICouldMakeTimeStandStill…I would do it when people are sneezing so I could see how funny they look. |
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