Twitter Quip

    Is it possible to be both a smartass and a dumbass?

    Is it possible to be both a smartass and a dumbass?

    I wish my students would spend less time saying sorry and more time not screwing up.

    I wish my students would spend less time saying sorry and more time not screwing up.

    #ToddlerProblemSolvingSkills CHILD: “More grapes!” ME: “You have a 6 grapes on your plate.” CHILD (shoves grapes in her mouth): “Mo gapes!”

    #ToddlerProblemSolvingSkills CHILD: “More grapes!” ME: “You have a 6 grapes on your plate.” CHILD (shoves grapes in her mouth): “Mo gapes!”

    Every time I ask my daughter if she went potty she says no. I don’t know if she’s lying or completely unaware because I can smell it from across the room.

    Every time I ask my daughter if she went potty she says no. I don’t know if she’s lying or completely unaware because I can smell it from across the room.

    #ThingsIveLearnedFromFalling: Men shouldn’t wear high heels.

    #ThingsIveLearnedFromFalling: Men shouldn’t wear high heels.

    One time a friend bet me that I couldn’t eat a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts by myself. I might have won the bet, but there were no winners that day.

    One time a friend bet me that I couldn’t eat a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts by myself. I might have won the bet, but there were no winners that day.

    I would say I feel sorry for my daughter’s future kindergarten teacher, but the truth is I feel sorry for ALL kindergarten teachers.

    I would say I feel sorry for my daughter’s future kindergarten teacher, but the truth is I feel sorry for ALL kindergarten teachers.

    Asking the bank for a loan to get breast implants is a bad idea. Unless you’re a stripper — then it’s a good career investment.

    Asking the bank for a loan to get breast implants is a bad idea. Unless you’re a stripper — then it’s a good career investment.

    PETA won’t be happy until the monkeys take over.

    PETA won’t be happy until the monkeys take over.

    I think smoke detectors are more trouble than they’re worth–especially when you burn food as often as I do.

    I think smoke detectors are more trouble than they’re worth–especially when you burn food as often as I do.