If you’re going to get hit by a car make sure it’s a high-end luxury vehicle because you know they have good insurance.
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I am no longer needed as a parent: my daughter has figured out how to navigate Netflix herself. Anyone want to trade kids with me? I’m sick of mine. Life is just one endless dishwasher cycle after another. #MonstersEverydayProblems: Siri doesn’t understand growls. It’s unfair that women can use sex to get what they want. The only thing men that men can do is squish spiders. #LazyParentingConfessions: I gave my daughter two tablets. Just in case the battery dies on the first one. Being single is hard because you don’t know if the girl likes you. Being married is easier because I know my wife doesn’t like me. I know punching a three-year old is generally frowned upon. But when that kid makes your child cry it feels justified. A relative from New York came to California to see a Yankee game. That’s like going to a prostitute who looks like your wife: way too much effort for something you can get at home. |
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