January
I find the term “Gentleman’s Club” ironic because the last person one would expect to find inside would be a gentleman.
January 2, 2012
How does the fire department measure maxim occupancy? Do they actually put people in a room? “We squeezed in 207 people: let’s try 1 more!”
January 6, 2012
The value of a dollar has greatly declined over time. Except at strip clubs–where a buck will always get you the same thing.
January 12, 2012
When traveling in a group he who is most tired should drive because he’ll want to get to the destination fastest.
January 18, 2012
Do you think Joe Paterno is up in heaven thinking, “Why couldn’t this happen before Jerry Sandusky became a household name?!?!?” #JoePaDead
January 22, 2012
February
You’re never too old to want to play with fire.
February 19, 2012
March
A kid forgot her lunch for school so her parents dropped off In-N-Out. Makes me wish I forgot my lunch at home too. #CrappyColdLunch
March 1, 2012
When I was a kid if I forgot my lunch at home my parents would drop off an empty bag with a note that said “Forgetful boys don’t eat”
March 1, 2012
Is there any music worse than Christian rock? Even if you ignore the message, the melodies are drab & the lyrics ridiculously predictable.
March 10, 2012
Disorganized, unhelpful, and intentionally rude: The US Post Office–where the unemployable go to find jobs. I hate the Post Office…
March 21, 2012
Saw “Die Hard” on Telemundo. Either my Spanish has gotten much better or I’ve seen that movie too many times ’cause I understood every word.
March 25, 2012
April
Today I beat four 1st graders in a race. Does this make me four times faster than a 1st grader?
April 24, 2012
Today I beat four 1st graders in a race. Does this make me four times faster than a 1st grader?
April 24, 2012
You’re probably wondering why I was racing 1st graders. It’s only because the kindergartners were absent today.
April 24, 2012
You’re probably wondering why I was racing 1st graders. It’s only because the kindergartners were absent today.
April 24, 2012
No, I didn’t race any girls. Everyone knows that 1st grade girls are faster than 1st grade boys. I didn’t want to look silly.
April 24, 2012
No, I didn’t race any girls. Everyone knows that 1st grade girls are faster than 1st grade boys. I didn’t want to look silly.
April 24, 2012
The only thing worse than a “Saved by the Bell” marathon is a “Saved by the Bell” marathon when you have nothing to do. #BoredOnSaturday
April 28, 2012
May
What good does a hunger strike do? You wanna starve yourself–fine by me.
May 3, 2012
I am a man without boundaries–I break the “No Food or Drink in the Computer Lab” rule all the time.
May 11, 2012
I think I’ve reached the point where my obsession with Katy Perry music can be classified as more than a guilty pleasure.
May 12, 2012
Morals are dumb. #WordsToLiveBy
May 15, 2012
A fourth grader asked me what “ignorant” meant; I told her to look in the mirror.
May 21, 2012
I just ordered a “Scotch on the Rocks.” I don’t know what’s in it, but it sounds classy!
May 24, 2012
You had me at “If I buy you lunch…”
May 30, 2012
June
I burned myself in a most unfortunate place: looks like my days of nude candle-making are over.
June 6, 2012
Maybe Japanese cars are so good because they’re designed for Asian drivers.
June 10, 2012
I am optimistically pessimistic: I’m always hoping to find the negative in a situation.
June 20, 2012
So…does anybody wanna sext?
June 23, 2012
July
One of the best things about being a guy is you can take care of those pesky swirly stains when you tinkle.
July 1, 2012
Happy 5th of July! (I always come late to parties)
July 5, 2012
I turned down a job opportunity at a school for the visually impaired because I couldn’t see myself working there.
July 11, 2012
I wanna be a duck. A duck is never hot. Have you ever seen a duck sweat? Me neither.
July 15, 2012
Given the choice of listening to Jack Johnson or a radio commercial what would you choose? I think I’d go with the commercial.
July 24, 2012
August
Environmentalist don’t respect the circle of life.
August 2, 2012
Life Lesson #43 Don’t play with Silly Putty found in a public restroom.
August 6, 2012
I like when the word “xpress” is spelled without the E because that means it gets done faster.
August 11, 2012
I don’t understand gun enthusiasts. What’s so exciting about owning a gun? Now if that gun was made of chocolate…
August 13, 2012
It’s 6:00 on a Thursday night and I got nothing to do: is it too early to take a shower and go to bed?
August 16, 2012
September
When my time comes, I want it to be on national television and I wanna take a bunch of people with me.
September 1, 2012
Whoever coined the phrase “sex, drugs, and rock & roll” never considered the possibilty of Radio Disney.
September 3, 2012
Is it wrong to refer to kindergarteners as “fresh fish” on the first day of school?
September 5, 2012
‘Tis better to make broad generalizations than generalizations about broads.
September 12, 2012
This is not a cry for help. It’s just a cry.
September 13, 2012
siknerd: Looking around at the Stone Temple Pilots/Bush concert, I’m fairly certain that no one here is under the age of 30.
September 23, 2012
siknerd: What inspires one to throw a cigarette in a urinal? It doesn’t take a genius to know that it can’t be flushed.
September 23, 2012
Looking around at the Stone Temple Pilots/Bush concert, I’m fairly certain that no one here is under the age of 30.
September 23, 2012
What inspires one to throw a cigarette in a urinal? It doesn’t take a genius to know that it can’t be flushed.
September 23, 2012
siknerd: It’s terribly unfortunate that sofa beds are not comfortable as both sofas and beds.
September 30, 2012
It’s terribly unfortunate that sofa beds are not comfortable as both sofas and beds.
September 30, 2012
October
siknerd: I always do my own material. That’s why it’s not funny a lot of the time.
October 1, 2012
I always do my own material. That’s why it’s not funny a lot of the time.
October 1, 2012
In an attempt to become more time efficient, this morning I tried brushing my teeth & eating breakfast simultaneously. Not a good idea.
October 3, 2012
Kristen Stewart is so unattractive that if she had a sex tape, I would fast-forward her parts and focus on the dude.
October 5, 2012
My 5-Hour Energy Drink only lasted 4 hours and 58 minutes: I’m suing!
October 6, 2012
Judging from the smell coming from my neighbor’s apartment, he burned some really bad toast or smoke some really bad pot.
October 9, 2012
Signs you’ve been watching too much football: seeing the state abbreviation “NE” and thinking it’s for New England.
October 10, 2012
My fortune cookie said “A surpirse will titillate & frighten you.” I can only assume that means A-Rod is going to hit a home run tonight.
October 12, 2012
The worst words a computer tech can hear from his client: “I tried fixing it myself.”
October 22, 2012
Okay, so here’s my problem: I like Nickelback.
October 25, 2012
Are nipples on mannequins really necessary?
October 27, 2012
November
Toilet seat liners: good for public restrooms and the home!
November 10, 2012
Life Lesson # 78: Never look down when using a port-a-potty.
November 19, 2012
Thanksgiving: at school, kids are allowed to dress up as pilgrims but not Indians. This is offensive to my white Anglo-Saxon heritage.
November 20, 2012
Today I’m going to be more anal & less retentive. Or was that less anal & more retentive? Shoot–I can’t remember!
November 30, 2012
December
Occasionally I say something I think is an original thought, but it’s from a movie I saw 10 years ago. Yes, my memory is that good…and bad
December 1, 2012
I have never visited my wife’s Facebook page: does that make me a bad husband?
December 6, 2012
The worst part about working with kids is being forced to pretend you like Justin Beiber.
December 7, 2012
Today I achieved what might might be my greatest accomplishment: I was able to put toothpaste back in the tube.
December 9, 2012
It’s so cold, I’m going to have to limit my pole licking to a minimum.
December 29, 2012
To all those who plan on wishing me a Happy New Year: I’m going to bed–please don’t wake me.
December 31, 2012