January
I hope to gain weight this year. Everyone tries to lose weight but rarely succeed. The way I see it, I should try for something obtainable.
January 1, 2013
My 2013 New Year’s Resolution (and this time I mean it): This is the year I finally get fat enough to go on disability.
January 1, 2013
I refilled the same cup at three different Jack-In-The-Boxes in two different states. The cola always tastes better when it’s stolen.
January 6, 2013
I’m proud to continue my tradition of not seeing a single film nominated for Best Picture.
January 10, 2013
Weight loss is a mistake for fat comedians. Being obscene & angry just doesn’t seem acceptable from a guy who has no reason to hate life.
January 12, 2013
A day like today can best be described by combining “Lethal Weapon” and “The Day After Tommorrow” ——- I’m too (c)old for this shit…
January 16, 2013
The Wife has been sick for past 2 weeks. She’s needs to get better or die. At this point I really don’t care which–I just want some closure
January 19, 2013
Although my spouse may disagree, I feel that I am too young to be entering the eyebrow plucking phase of my life.
January 23, 2013
I just fixed an iPhone: I’ve never been more disgusted with myself than I am right now. #IHateApple
January 25, 2013
Breakfast is one of the three best smelling meals of the day.
January 30, 2013
February
I found a cookie in a trash pile, but it’s completely sealed–think it’s edible?
February 1, 2013
I saw an Asian woman ask another Asian woman, “Are you Chinese?” Even they can’t tell the difference!
February 5, 2013
I saw an Asian woman ask another Asian woman, “Are you Chinese?” C’mon: if they can’t tell the difference, what chance do white people have?
February 5, 2013
I hear that this year’s Girl Scout Cookies are made out of real Girl Scouts.
February 10, 2013
Why is it called a “hamburger” when it doesn’t contain any ham? It should be called a “cowburger” or something else more authentic.
February 11, 2013
What’s creepy and fun at the same time? Watching women shop for underwear.
February 13, 2013
It’s sad, but the uglier and/or fatter the student, the quicker I’ll learn their name. Their uniqueness makes them memorable.
February 21, 2013
I can’t think clearly when I know that doughnuts are available in the next room.
February 22, 2013
I found an abandoned coffee mug in the men’s room, which got me wondering…who takes a cup of coffee in the men’s room?
February 28, 2013
March
There’s a kindergarten teacher at my school who likes to play with fire: she doesn’t grant her students bathroom breaks.
March 1, 2013
Saw Die Hard 5 last night & left the show with this thought: theaters should put up a sign to warn patrons of bad movies prior to admission.
March 4, 2013
Why is it every time I go to Starbucks I see someone working on a screenplay?
March 6, 2013
Spoiler alert: Osama Bin Laden dies at the end of “Zero Dark Thirty”
March 12, 2013
Depressing sign of the times: we practiced a lock down drill today at school “in the event armed gunmen attack the school.”
March 13, 2013
I saw white smoke coming from an 85 Camry. Does that mean they elected a new popemobile?
March 15, 2013
Life Lesson #63: if you can’t identity the Mexican food you’re about to consume you probably shouldn’t eat it.
March 20, 2013
I don’t understand why the boys at my school are always fiddling with their pants. When I was a kid, I just took them off.
March 25, 2013
April
When the microwave was first invented did its maker know not to use with aluminum foil or was that something he learned by accident?
April 5, 2013
I saw a kinder gal ask a boy, “Will you marry me?” He responded by punching her in the chest.
April 9, 2013
Today was my school’s jogathon. I did zero laps in record time.
April 12, 2013
In the 19th century, before magazines were common, what did people take to read in the outhouse?
April 16, 2013
One of the bigger drawbacks of having a tattoo is it becomes less feasible to claim those nude photos of are someone else.
April 18, 2013
The Wife says I’m too old for Katy Perry. I say she’s too old for me. I meant The Wife. Not Katy Perry. She’s perfect. I should stop talkin.
April 29, 2013
May
I would like to point out that the majority of Americans do not consider Cinco de Mayo to be a real holiday.
May 5, 2013
The best thing about dropping a deuce on company time is that it gives you an extra 30 to 40 minute break from work.
May 7, 2013
Is the president of the NRA more likely to carry a gun in his car or a copy of the Constitution in his pocket?
May 14, 2013
All of the kids got to school early today. Either that or I got there late.
May 21, 2013
Households with more than three boys don’t save money for vacations: they save to replace damaged property.
May 22, 2013
I know it’s the polite thing to do, but holding a door open for another guy feels gay.
May 27, 2013
The first time is always the hardest. But once you get use to it peeing in the shower is a totally natural thing.
May 31, 2013
June
There’s something dubious about an uncoordinated elderly woman trying to teach kids how to dribble a basketball or jump rope. #5thGradePE
June 7, 2013
The fact that I don’t bother to learn people’s names probably says a lot about my personality.
June 11, 2013
July
When I’m on my home turf, sometimes I like to pee sitting down. It’s just easier that way.
July 7, 2013
I only have two emotions: angry and hungry.
July 15, 2013
Sign You’re Approaching 40: You heard of all washed-up bands playing at the county fair.
July 20, 2013
Shamefully true story: this afternoon I had to lobby for Target to match Walmart’s price on underwear. But I saved two bucks!
July 29, 2013
August
Few things changed my outlook on life as positively as the day Costo changed from Coke to Pepsi.
August 1, 2013
My tolerance of other cultures is based entirely on quality of their food. That’s why I’ve given Mexicans a long leash.
August 26, 2013
Ah, the first day of school–probably the only time of year when the cafeteria serves fresh food.
August 27, 2013
Uncomfortably Confession of the Day: I caught men’s gymnastics on television the other day & I was reluctantly intrigued by the athleticism.
August 31, 2013
October
Wanna help me help someone move?
October 19, 2013
November
I don’t understand the appeal of food that’s marketed as ‘homemade.’ If I wanted homemade, I’d just stay home and make it myself.
November 8, 2013
I don’t know why resturants opt for cheap toliet paper. It might be half the cost but I use ten times as much
November 24, 2013
I think one of the worst side effects of going to the gym is I’m exposed to a ton of catchy crappy pop music I can’t get out of my head.
November 29, 2013
December
Few things match the futility of watching a teacher explain writing rules to students who barely speak English.
December 3, 2013
Why are my favorite porn stars men?
December 7, 2013
I find the gift of homemade cookies to be very uncomfortable. The gesture is nice, but I have no idea if the baker washed her hands.
December 20, 2013
I’m in favor of all children being home schooled because there is significantly less traffic on the road during non-school days.
December 27, 2013
What inspires a woman to get a tattoo of a naked woman?
December 30, 2013