January
When you have a “Duck Dynasty”-esque beard, are you supposed to use shampoo and conditioner?
January 4, 2014
Knowledge might be power, but gullibility is a great alibi.
January 11, 2014
Even though it’s our first day back to work, January 13th is way too late to be wishing anyone “Happy New Year!”
January 14, 2014
When I become a parent I hope I have a boy; otherwise, I’ll never be able to look at porn the same way again.
January 16, 2014
February
I came across an interesting stat this week: since 1980, half of all teams that played in the Super Bowl have won the game.
February 2, 2014
Only second graders have the stamina and desire to play two-on-two full-court basketball.
February 4, 2014
Am I too old to have a “Duke of Hazzard”-themed birthday party?
February 6, 2014
I don’t care if The Wife has a boy or a girl. The only thing that matters is that it has ten fingers and ten toes and one penis.
February 11, 2014
Why is the phrase “enlarged to show texture” always written in tiny print?
February 13, 2014
Last night I was up playing Frogger for three hours: why was that game so hard when I was a kid?
February 20, 2014
My mother asked me if I eat salad. I’m a grown man who makes his own decisions: why in the world would I eat salad?
February 22, 2014
I don’t enjoy lying to my wife–I just find that it makes things easier.
February 27, 2014
March
How does Albertson’s determine which days they’re going to give away cookie samples? The inconsistency is maddening!
March 2, 2014
Are poop jokes universal?
March 10, 2014
I gotta figure out how to get into the identity theft business.
March 14, 2014
Is it green eggs and green ham or green eggs and regular colored ham?
March 17, 2014
How is “Noah” not yet rated? What sort of sex, violence, or foul language is preventing this bible story to be rated anything other than PG?
March 18, 2014
If I don’t buy my future daughter makeup not only will I save money on cosmetics but I also won’t have to worry about teenage boys.
March 21, 2014
Being a skilled basketball player requires everything I lack: endurance, eye-hand coordination, & height.
March 24, 2014
April
The quickest way to my heart is through a burrito
April 5, 2014
Never buy discount seafood from a store next to a high-end bait shop.
April 14, 2014
Why do white supremacists hate Jews? They look pretty white to me.
April 15, 2014
One would think having “outstanding” warrants is a good a thing, but it’s really not.
April 20, 2014
Are condoms an appropriate baby shower gift? You know…so it doesn’t happen again.
April 26, 2014
May
Whenever I eat a bagel I try to convince myself it’s a doughnut, but my taste buds never listen.
May 7, 2014
I don’t take any medicine unless it causes drowsiness and is habit-forming.
May 14, 2014
I only eat three different kinds of fruit: Fruity Pebbles, Fruit Loops, Crunch Berries (this is based on the assumption a berry is a fruit).
May 15, 2014
Attention Craigslist shoppers: your not having enough money has no bearing whatsoever my price.
May 16, 2014
June
Kids are really good at problem-solving. A student couldn’t pass a level on JiJi so he uninstalled the app from his computer. #problemsolved
June 2, 2014
So I know this is a silly reason to be upset, but I’m extremely disappointed there’s no candy in my desk.
June 6, 2014
Boiling hot water for tea while naked has the potential to be very, very dangerous.
June 10, 2014
After a couple hundred yearbook scribings of “have a great summer” the words lose all meaning.
June 17, 2014
The best thing about autocorrect is I can blame any mistake I make entirely on the phone; thus, hiding my stupiditousity yet another day.
June 18, 2014
This summer I’m going to try and learn something new: maybe I’ll take up ice fishing.
June 21, 2014
I get drunk faster now that The Wife is pregnant because I’m drinking for two. Or am I drinking for three? My math gets fuzzy after too …
June 23, 2014
Am I too old to get excited about free wine?
June 24, 2014
If I had a long-lost relative I wouldn’t have sex with anyone until I confirmed we weren’t related.
June 25, 2014
One time I accidentally ate something good for me: my body rejected it and I was sick for the next two weeks.
June 27, 2014
July
The only difference between fellow Italian Joe Manganiello and me is my mom’s a better cook.
July 4, 2014
I didn’t exactly work hard for my college diploma…but I did have to show up for many of my classes.
July 7, 2014
Why haven’t we see a “Planet of the Apes” musical yet? A good chunk of the music is already written.
July 12, 2014
Well, the good news is that I finally stopped bleeding; the bad news is basic clotting is considered the good news.
July 17, 2014
My college didn’t require an entrance essay: the only thing I had to write was a $40 check to cover the application fee.
July 20, 2014
The product is called Froot Loops, not Fruit Loops; thus, any perceived nutritional value can be blamed on the illiteracy of consumers.
July 22, 2014
I’m going to start live-tweeting at inappropriate places, so if anyone has a funeral, church sermon, or prostate exam coming up let me know.
July 25, 2014
August
I worry that the upcoming Star Wars movie might have too much product placements.
August 3, 2014
I hate Kevin Costner movies and I hate sports movies, yet I like Kevin Costner movies about sports… #GoFigure
August 4, 2014
I always donate to public libraries so homeless guys have a place to look at porn.
August 11, 2014
I noticed the hospital has a room for pathology: who knew they needed a whole wing dedicated to the study of liars?
August 13, 2014
Hazard Lights: the universal symbol for “I’ll be back in five minutes.”
August 17, 2014
I was my hands before I go to the bathroom, but that’s only because I know where my hands have been.
August 19, 2014
The best part of not having an online presence is no one can name me in the Ice Bucket Challenge.
August 25, 2014
Jaywalking is dangerous for black people because oncoming drivers might not see them against the asphalt.
August 26, 2014
So it turns out Twinkies do have an expiration date and consuming them after that date can make you sick.
August 30, 2014
September
I don’t understand how pedophiles have a sexual preference: the bodies of a ten-year old boy & a ten-year old girl are virtually identical.
September 1, 2014
My biggest problem with the “Draft Day” movie is the Browns considered 6-10 disappointing. As a Brown fan, I’d kill for a 6-win season.
September 2, 2014
I want my nude pics to remain private. That’s why I save my selfies where no one will see them: MySpace.
September 3, 2014
If I had a $150 to blow, I would get a custom Philadelphia Eagles jersey with the number 0 and the name “QB Eagles” on the back.
September 7, 2014
I’m going to join the union in a labor dispute with management, so if I turn up missing you know where to look.
September 11, 2014
I don’t know what the child labor laws are in my state, but I’m pretty sure I violate them every time I use a “student helper” at my school.
September 13, 2014
It’s going to be 104 today, so you can find me sitting on some lawn furniture in the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store.
September 15, 2014
If Scotland can secede from Britain, can California secede from Mexico?
September 20, 2014
I’m having a garage sale this weekend. You can buy the garage, but I’m keeping the house.
September 21, 2014
The less fancy the doughnut the more intrigued I am.
September 22, 2014
I need to get to work early tomorrow because it’s doughnut day.
September 25, 2014
I caught a kid secretly trying to text in class: I don’t know if I should be angry or proud.
September 26, 2014
October
My weather app says it’s 95 degrees outside with a high of 88. I think I need a new weather app. Or a cooler sun.
October 4, 2014
An 80s music video block on VH1 confirmed what I always suspected: women in the 80s were not attractive.
October 5, 2014
If you were naked & choking on a piece of food & the only other person around is another naked man would you let him do Heimlich Maneuver?
October 6, 2014
Cremating drunks can be dangerous because the alcohol in their system makes them extra flammable.
October 7, 2014
I want to get into a dispute w/someone on the steps of 1 First St in Washgtn DC so I can say I argued my case in front of the Supreme Court.
October 10, 2014
Exactly how many doughnuts is too many? I know that it’s more than a dozen ’cause I’m still hungry.
October 15, 2014
Does Obamacare cover ebola?
October 16, 2014
I always find it reassuring when I see a police helicopter flying over an apartment building that isn’t mine.
October 17, 2014
87 octane? 89? 91? Who cares: it all comes from the same dinosaur.
October 18, 2014
This probably speaks more to brand loyalty than anything else, but I think the girls who work at T-Mobile are all really hot.
October 19, 2014
Few things amuse me as much as an Asian guy named “Charlie.”
October 21, 2014
Anyone want to buy a newborn? I heard you can get a lot of money for a white baby on the black market.
October 22, 2014
I’m taking the day off. I’ll still go to work–I’m just not going to do anything.
October 29, 2014
I’m the only teacher at my school who keeps a swear jar on his desk.
October 31, 2014
I want chocolate but don’t want to pay for it. If only there was some sorta method people could use to score free candy today…
October 31, 2014
November
I don’t understand how saying “I want to see the black ‘Annie’ movie” can be construed as racist when I want to see the film.
November 6, 2014
If women earn 75 cents for every dollar a man gets how are they more expensive than men?
November 8, 2014
Life lesson #243: When ordering a pizza never pay for extra cheese because–really–are you getting extra cheese? You’ll never know.
November 9, 2014
Stroller, playmat, swing, changing pad: I don’t understand how my 13-pound newborn requires more luggage than I do.
November 10, 2014
A law in California prohibits jail workers & peace officers from having sex with prisoners in transport. They needed a law for this?
November 12, 2014
No matter what it’s designed to be, all microwave foods look, feel, and taste exactly the same.
November 14, 2014
The only kind of porn that I find dirty, gross, or disgusting is interracial lesbians. That’s just too weird for me to stomach.
November 19, 2014
Someone brought bagels and vegetable dip for Treat Day. Someone needs to be tarred and feathered.
November 21, 2014
One time I had to wash my shirt in a McDonald’s bathroom like a homeless person because my newborn pooped on me.
November 24, 2014
Having a baby makes me wish I was single: they really are chick magnets.
November 26, 2014
Colgate had a ‘Buy 1 Get 1 Free’ special for toothbrushes, which I thought was a little unnecessary because I only have one set of teeth.
November 27, 2014
December
I don’t understand why people pay for bath towels when you get a set free every time you check into a hotel.
December 2, 2014
I don’t know who is to blame or why, but there has been a tremendous lack of douhnuts at my school this year.
December 5, 2014
Just once I’d like to go some place where loitering is allowed by law.
December 6, 2014
Insincere Movie Description: -The Terminator- A quiet time traveler goes to the past to prevent a mischievous boy from changing the future.
December 10, 2014
At what point in marriage is cash a suitable Christmas present?
December 12, 2014
Why does my fake Twitter account have more followers than my real one? Perhaps I’m not interesting in real life…
December 18, 2014
The number of times I’ve used a Starbucks bathroom greatly outnumbers the number of times I’ve used a Starbucks barista.
December 19, 2014
I’m assuming “Taken 3” is about Liam Neeson’s relentless pursuit of the pickpocket who swiped his wallet.
December 22, 2014