January
When it comes to low priorities you’re pretty high on my list.
January 2, 2015
I want something different for dinner tonight. Instead of doughnuts I’m going to eat donuts.
January 4, 2015
I prefer my energy drinks to be caffeine free because I don’t want to be up all night.
January 5, 2015
There’s nothing wrong with being opinionated unless your opinion is wrong.
January 14, 2015
If you want to show me how to find Jesus I want to show you how to get punched in the face.
January 18, 2015
I want to join Tinder but I’m worried that the only person I’ll hook up with is my wife.
January 19, 2015
Without knowing anything about politics or genocide I grew up believing Nazis were bad based solely on the Indiana Jones movies.
January 22, 2015
I have never Googled myself because I don’t want to know what people are saying about me.
January 28, 2015
VH1 Classic is playing MacGruber. VH1 needs to reexamine its definition of classic.
January 31, 2015
February
There’s a Christmas tree in the trash. That’s right: it took until Feb 1st for someone to say “It’s time to take down the Christmas tree.”
February 1, 2015
I get incredibly uncomfortable asking someone for a letter of recommendation. I just hate bothering my mom because she’s so busy.
February 2, 2015
Incorrection definitions: It turns out a concentration camp is not where jewish kids go to think real hard.
February 12, 2015
The wife says it’s time to lose the beard, so in the interest of avoiding an argument I am going to lose the wife.
February 13, 2015
I have a new goal in life: I want to be famous enough to do a cameo on Sesame Street.
February 16, 2015
I think I just found out how the buttplug was invented: a naked guy sat on a pacifier.
February 21, 2015
March
How is that an all-you-can-eat buffet can make me feel embarrassed and proud at the same time?
March 1, 2015
I think Bugs Bunny cartoons should be part of any well-rounded curriculum.
March 3, 2015
In some countries cleaning a person’s feet is a sign of respect. In this country it means you have stinky feet.
March 4, 2015
There are few characters on television I relate to more than Cookie Monster. Me love cookies, too, my friend. Me love cookies too.
March 11, 2015
I don’t use the phrase “cheese-eating surrender monkey” as often as I should.
March 12, 2015
Being fat and lazy might be a handicap, but it does not entitle you to park in a handicap spot.
March 17, 2015
The best way to beat someone in a race is if they don’t know you’re racing.
March 21, 2015
My crimes are like me: petty and motivated by revenge.
March 23, 2015
Why is Helen Keller an American hero? She was blind, deaf, & didn’t contributed anything to society. At least Stevie Wonder made music…
March 27, 2015
I made my baby laugh so hard she peed herself. Either that or it was time for her to go.
March 29, 2015
April
I’m surprised more kindergarten teachers don’t end up in a mental institution.
April 2, 2015
My car is neither fast nor furious–but it does get 35 miles per gallon!
April 10, 2015
When I was a kid my teachers told me I had a smart mouth. I thought that meant I was more intelligent than everyone else.
April 17, 2015
A kid said to me, “I wish you were my dad.” I didn’t know if that meant he liked me or has an absentee father.
April 18, 2015
I know this is a super-girly thing to say, but I really need some chocolate.
April 24, 2015
My anaconda does want some regardless of whether or not you have buns.
April 27, 2015
May
I love when the amount of cereal remaining in the box equals exactly one bowl. Not too short; not too much–just right.
May 1, 2015
It has just come to my attention that Supermex is not a Latino superhero.
May 4, 2015
I’m too old to be eating lunch with a spork.
May 7, 2015
I don’t understand why I have to get my wife. present on Mother’s Day–she’s not MY mother.
May 10, 2015
Why do some restaurants give away ketchup but charge extra for ranch? A bottle of Heinz costs just as much Hidden Valley.
May 13, 2015
The only thing I like more than helping people is being a selfish jerk.
May 14, 2015
I’m a little worried because I ate corn two days ago and I haven’t seen it come out yet.
May 19, 2015
This probably says a lot about mental problems but I find aggressive, assertive, super-bossy women extremely attractive.
May 20, 2015
There aren’t enough French fries in my life.
May 28, 2015
Ignorance is bliss–but only when Ignorance is the name of a stripper.
May 29, 2015
June
I don’t believe in common decency–it’s just not my thing.
June 12, 2015
My Beanie Babies are my retirement fund.
June 13, 2015
Students had an hour long assembly on bicycle safety today. How is that an hour? I can sum it up with one sentence: don’t get hit by a car.
June 15, 2015
It takes me a while to get use to my age. By the time I can bring myself to admit it another year passes and the number changes again.
June 16, 2015
Bullets should be cleaned and sanitized before loaded into a gun otherwise they might cause an infection.
June 20, 2015
Where do pornographic actors hide their lapel mics?
June 22, 2015
My dad always use to say “I want you to grow up bigger & smarter than me.” When I turned 10 he got his wish.
June 25, 2015
My favorite part of any movie is when the hijinks ensue. You can’t have hijinks without having a good time.
June 27, 2015
STDs are nature’s form of population control.
June 28, 2015
July
This morning I walked in my principal’s office & requested a trade to an East Coast school so I could be closer to my family. #tradedeadline
July 31, 2015
August
…so I said to her, “Why deodorize when I’m used to it?”
August 4, 2015
“Yes I would like fries with that. Thank you for the wonderful suggestion! I would have never thought of that on my own,” said no one ever.
August 6, 2015
Peacock: what an old man with urinary difficulties tells his ding-dong.
August 10, 2015
I was tremendously proud of the jersey cow–finally, something good to come out of my home state–until I read jersey cows aren’t from NJ.
August 11, 2015
Why do I feel hungover without any of the benefits of getting drunk the night before?
August 14, 2015
Given the amount of stuff the Post Office incorrectly delivers to me it’s safe to assume my neighbors are getting more of my mail than me.
August 19, 2015
Did the sun set last night? I wasn’t paying attention and think I missed it.
August 29, 2015
There’s nothing wrong with a grown man who says he has to tinkle.
August 30, 2015
September
It’s pretty easy to not get hit by a train…
September 6, 2015
At 3am The Wife woke me because the power went out. I said: A) What do you want me to do about it? B) It’s 3am & we’re sleeping. Who cares?
September 7, 2015
Is there anything more ineffective than the teacher who yells out to her class: “Who is that talking? There shouldn’t be anyone talking!”
September 14, 2015
I accidentally microwaved some ants today. They didn’t die, so if giant, mutant ants attack the city tomorrow you know why.
September 17, 2015
When I see my baby struggling with a bowel movement I like to give her words of encouragement such as “You show that turd who’s the boss!”
September 25, 2015
My daughter’s first birthday is coming up and I’m a little concerned because she only came with a 12-month warranty.
September 29, 2015
October
I was at a library that removed the dust covers from its books. How am I supposed to pick something to read if I can’t judge what’s good?
October 7, 2015
The word “erection” is spoken way too often during televised sporting events.
October 11, 2015
There are no cool black guys in my life. Or–if I’m being completely honest–ANY black guys…
October 24, 2015
What’s the etiquette when peeing at a stall in a public restroom? Do you HAVE to close the door? It’s not like urinals don’t have doors…
October 28, 2015
Is it just me or does it seem like there’s a Thursday night football game every week?
October 29, 2015
November
My child has developed the very unpleasant ability to remove her own diaper. Looks like I will not be getting back my security deposit.
November 3, 2015
I don’t understand the purpose of perfume. I have never not wanted to have sex with a woman because she didn’t smell pretty.
November 6, 2015
As a child I was very mature for my age: I reached my Terrible Twos at 14 months.
November 11, 2015
At school I fell off the desk I had been standing on. I used it as a teachable moment to remind my students they are not to stand on desks.
November 12, 2015
Someone stole my doormat. What kind of sick sonavabitch steals a doormat?
November 13, 2015
I had no idea life would turn out this bad. Is it possible to sue a fortune cookie for false advertising?
November 14, 2015
I thought organic meant the food was made from real animal organs.
November 19, 2015
My life has gotten so dull that when I go to sleep my dreams consist of running errands.
November 20, 2015
Is the Grand Canyon really something everyone needs to see in their lifetime…or is it just a big hole in the ground?
November 21, 2015
I like how slim my wallet feels when I has no money in it–I should be broke more often.
November 29, 2015
December
Cars run on gasoline. Trucks run on diesel. I run on doughnuts.
December 2, 2015
Either this stain won’t come out or I keep dripping hot sauce on the same spot of my burrito-eating shirt.
December 6, 2015
Move Credit I’d Like To See: “And Tommy Lee Jones as Santa Claus”
December 7, 2015
Bad Reason To Call A Fireman: the stripper called in sick for your bachelorette party & you need to find a replacement.
December 13, 2015
I’m hoping my daughter looks like me, so boys won’t be interested in her.
December 20, 2015
Apparently calling the only black guy in the new Star Wars movie “Lando’s son” is racist.
December 25, 2015
Dear 99 Cents Only Store; You’re not going to sell those 2014 calendars. It’s time to accept the loss and throw them away.
December 27, 2015
This year’s resolution? I’m going to fall deeper in debt.
December 30, 2015