January
#WhyIAvoidTheGym: Exercising is a scam created by health insurance companies so they can avoid paying for expensive treatments in the future.
January 5, 2018
Are white supremacists allowed to eat Mexican food? Or is all ethnic food frowned upon? #TuesdayThoughts
January 9, 2018
#WeirdMarriageAdvice: Set all your clocks 15 minutes fast. It’s your only chance to get anywhere on time.
January 14, 2018
After ten years of marriage it’s upsetting to learn my wife is a feminist.
January 21, 2018
Instead of doing laundry buy new underwear. #WaysToBeLazy
January 29, 2018
February
I watched a Korean soap opera the other day. I found it very confusing because I couldn’t tell any of the characters apart.
February 23, 2018
March
The gender I identify with is whichever restroom is closest to me.
March 2, 2018
#WhatMakesMeFancy: My electric toothbrush is solar-powered.
March 2, 2018
They say you’re not supposed to sweat the small stuff, but it’s the little things that really bother me.
March 8, 2018
How long am I supposed to keep my kid’s crappy artwork?
March 18, 2018
I found an unexpected peanut in my pocket. Even more embarrassing–I ate it.
March 23, 2018
April
I have thick, curly hair that women would die for. Unfortunately I am not a woman and lady’s hairstyles don’t look good on me.
April 7, 2018
#FrivolousReasonsToSue: A high school classmate asked to borrow a piece of paper. He never paid me back.
April 7, 2018
I will stop at nothing to become a better person–no matter how much I have to lie, cheat, or steal to get there.
April 27, 2018
One of the things I struggle with as a parent is when I feel like I should say “Don’t do that” but I’m thinking, “Eh, what’s the harm?”
April 30, 2018
May
#FakeArcadeFacts: Princess Peach had a little side thing going on with Lugi.
May 6, 2018
I don’t know who I despise more: teenagers or Mexicans.
May 14, 2018
I swear that’s the last time I make unrealistic promises.
May 22, 2018
I swear that’s the last time I make unrealistic promises.
May 22, 2018
I spend all day wondering if I’m self-absorbed.
May 23, 2018
Everyone knows real Italians don’t come from Italy–they’re from New Jersey.
May 26, 2018
I spend most of my days wondering if I’m self-absorbed.
May 29, 2018
June
I’ll pay anything for good financial advice.
June 26, 2018
#FemaleSuperheroProblems: You’re 15 minutes late to every crime because you didn’t know what to wear.
June 30, 2018
July
This 4th of July celebrate United States patriotism by shooting off Chinese fireworks bought in Mexico.
July 4, 2018
I’m not worried if the NSA is using my smart speaker to spy on me because most of the time Alexa doesn’t understand what I said.
July 18, 2018
#BadPregnancyReactions: I’ll get a coat hanger.
July 21, 2018
My girlfriend thinks I’d be an excellent husband; my wife completely disagrees.
July 23, 2018
I hurt myself while sitting. Not getting up. Not sitting down. While sitting.
July 24, 2018
I’m a much better driver at night when there’s less things to hit.
July 29, 2018
August
Moviepass was great for my marriage. I liked to go out to the movies, and my wife liked it when I went out to the movies.
August 3, 2018
I invented binge watching back in 2003 during Season 3 of “24.” I videotaped every episode, and after the season was over I watched them over the course of two nights. Much like Jack Bauer I was exhausted when it was over.
August 4, 2018
The longer in stay married the more I sympathize with men who walkout on their families.
August 6, 2018
MoviePass won’t let people see “Crazy Rich Asians.” That’s racist.
August 18, 2018
My daughter has a 102 degree fever. I’m worried my wife won’t make it through the night.
August 23, 2018
Divorced dads are so lucky: they have to be a parent only two weekends a month.
August 26, 2018
September
Sometimes when deciding on a dinner I pick what will taste the least disgusting when I throw it up.
September 22, 2018
A relative from New York came to California to see a Yankee game. That’s like going to a prostitute who looks like your wife: way too much effort for something you can get at home.
September 23, 2018
I know punching a three-year old is generally frowned upon. But when that kid makes your child cry it feels justified.
September 28, 2018
Being single is hard because you don’t know if the girl likes you. Being married is easier because I know my wife doesn’t like me.
September 29, 2018
#LazyParentingConfessions: I gave my daughter two tablets. Just in case the battery dies on the first one.
September 29, 2018
October
It’s unfair that women can use sex to get what they want. The only thing men that men can do is squish spiders.
October 2, 2018
#MonstersEverydayProblems: Siri doesn’t understand growls.
October 3, 2018
Life is just one endless dishwasher cycle after another.
October 4, 2018
Anyone want to trade kids with me? I’m sick of mine.
October 10, 2018
I am no longer needed as a parent: my daughter has figured out how to navigate Netflix herself.
October 13, 2018
If you’re going to get hit by a car make sure it’s a high-end luxury vehicle because you know they have good insurance.
October 14, 2018
#MyChildhoodHeroTaughtMe: C is for cookie.
October 17, 2018
#TheFirstWomanPresidentWill be 15 minutes late to her own inauguration.
October 17, 2018
I feel really guilty when my boss is out sick and I don’t leave work early.
October 18, 2018
In the spirit of racial equality this Halloween I’m passing out equal amounts of white chocolate and dark chocolate.
October 31, 2018
November
I’m too dumb to realize when I’m doing something stupid.
November 4, 2018
My dream is to live in a house with a big front yard, so I can yell at kids to get off my lawn, because deep down I’m a crotchy old person.
November 6, 2018
Someone once asked me if I was Canadian. What of my dark complexion or bad attitude says “he’s from the Great North?” I’ve never been more insulted.
November 8, 2018
I believe that children are the future–my future lunch.
November 11, 2018
One of the unspoken drawbacks of having a kid is you can’t eat a cookie in the daytime because she’ll want one too–and I don’t want to share.
November 13, 2018
You know you’re out of shape when you dread going down the stairs just as much as you dread going up.
November 18, 2018
#ItsBeginningToLookAlotLike: it’s time to change my underwear.
November 18, 2018
The reasons parents gain weight after having kids is because they eat all the unfinished food purchased for their children.
November 20, 2018
I asked my local brothel if they had any Black Friday Deals. I was told yes, but only if I was willing to have sex with a turkey.
November 21, 2018
If Alexa was my wife I would likely get arrested for spousal abuse because that bitch never listens to me.
November 24, 2018
Does the Pope ever have fun? Does he lounge in a T-shirt & watch a movie on off days? I’d like see the Pope telling jokes & drinking beer with friends.
November 28, 2018
If your mom is ½ black & ½ white and your dad is ½ white & ½ black does that make you half ½ black & half ½ white and half ½ white & half ½ black?
November 30, 2018
December
I saw Ice Cube on Sesame Street this week–an idea that would seem bad match to both Ice Cube *and* PBS in 1988.
December 1, 2018
This morning my daughter devoured the doughnuts I bought her. She inherited my love of eating doughnuts paid for by someone else.
December 2, 2018
Things I Learned Watching TV: all of life’s problems can be solved in 30 minutes. Unless it’s an hour-long episode. Then it takes 60 minutes.
December 3, 2018
Printed magazines will never go extinct because guys will always need something to read when on the can.
December 4, 2018
I think smoke detectors are more trouble than they’re worth–especially when you burn food as often as I do.
December 6, 2018
PETA won’t be happy until the monkeys take over.
December 7, 2018
Asking the bank for a loan to get breast implants is a bad idea. Unless you’re a stripper — then it’s a good career investment.
December 9, 2018
I would say I feel sorry for my daughter’s future kindergarten teacher, but the truth is I feel sorry for ALL kindergarten teachers.
December 10, 2018
One time a friend bet me that I couldn’t eat a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts by myself. I might have won the bet, but there were no winners that day.
December 11, 2018
#ThingsIveLearnedFromFalling: Men shouldn’t wear high heels.
December 14, 2018
Every time I ask my daughter if she went potty she says no. I don’t know if she’s lying or completely unaware because I can smell it from across the room.
December 15, 2018
#ToddlerProblemSolvingSkills CHILD: “More grapes!” ME: “You have a 6 grapes on your plate.” CHILD (shoves grapes in her mouth): “Mo gapes!”
December 18, 2018
I wish my students would spend less time saying sorry and more time not screwing up.
December 23, 2018
Is it possible to be both a smartass and a dumbass?
December 24, 2018