Well, I'm going to Hell. I mean, I was probably headed there anyway; today's incident removes all doubt. Crikey...I probably don't even hafta grease the doorman to get a good seat. There's no turning back from what I did today.

I spit on a picture of Jesus.

I never really went to bible school, but I'm pretty sure spitting on our savior is a sin--might even been one of the original 15 Commandments*.

Spitting on someone is perhaps the most disrespectful thing anyone can do. It's the source of many sports brawls and even constitutes as assault in some circumstances. I can't think of a worse was to dis someone than spitting on theme.

And I did it to the Lord's only son.

It's not my fault. I didn't do it intentionally and I'd swear on a stack of bibles if it actually meant something (which it won't at this point, because I'm going to Hell). I know I've done a lot of blasphemous things during my time, but never anything as heinous as this. If I knew how to say a Hail Mary, I'd probably rattle off a dozen.

You see, yesterday's assessment of feeling better proved to be premature. I'm still ill and still hocking up green stuff. I gotta spit it out stuff and ran outta tissues three lungs ago. Being the evil genius I am, I creatively find solutions--no matter how disgusting they may seem.

So there I was, sitting at the kitchen table; reading the newspaper. I had the page directly in front of me and was reading an article at the top of the page. When I felt the urge to exfoliate myself from the large chunk of phlegm that amassed in my throat, I spit on the half-page ad that was on the bottom of the page.

Now before you start criticizing me for being raised in a barn and disgusting, lemme defend myself: I'm sick and people do gross things when they're sick (hello--rectal thermometers: don't tell me that's not gross). Second, it not like I'm a reckless spitter--I knew I was spitting on an advertisement.

I just didn't know it was a picture of Jesus.

I'm not exactly a religious fella, but I'm certainly not one who walks around trying to piss God off, either. So you can probably imagine my horror when I looked down and saw JC with a loogie sitting on his face.

I can only hope our Lord is a forgiving god--he has to know I wouldn't dare do something like this intentionally. If there's any good of it, I spit on an ad for a television station that is trying to exploit Jesus' suffering into a mini series. Yeah, that's the ticket--I was spitting on the ad and not Jesus himself.

But I better not take any chances. I've boarded myself up and order for pizza delivery--I'm not leaving the house until the big guy has some time to calm down. I figure it's my safest option because I can't get hit by a thunderbolt if I don't go outside.

*initially there were 15 Commandments, but Moses dropped a tablet when he returned from Mount Sinai.