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Headline in "The Orange County Register":
Two more sick after eating live or raw crabs

My response: well, don't go around eatting live or raw crabs. Really people, can't you figure out anything without me?

We've all had bad dates before and the story I'm about to tell isn't among the worst for you, me, or anyone else in the world. Hell, I'm not even sure it could be considered a date--but it's an issue I'd like to get off my chest. I suppose it's a learning experience, in away. Just a subtle reminder that people aren't always what they seem on the internet.

I met this chik online and she seemed like an okay cat. We had been trading emails for a few weeks and she had a couple things going for her. Many of the girls I've met online don't have cars (a terrible nuisance). Also, many of the girls I've met online have kids (also, a terrible nuisance). My ideal woman has this reversed (she owns a car but doesn't own children) and IceQueen1981 fit this criteria.

Further impressing me was her emails. It's not like she was writing Shakespearian letters--but at least the gal knew how to use her there's and their's. It's amazing how annoying some people can be in just a simple email: this girl didn't do that. In fact, she showed no signs at all of being stupid. sHe DiDDn'T RaNdOmlY CaPiTiaLiZE LeTTeRs and could actually put together a rational thought. Not to mention she was a huge Yankee fan--perhaps a bigger turn on than giant hooters or chiks with a trust fund.

I agreed to meet IceQueen1981 for coffee--it was her idea. We were talking on the phone for about five minutes when she suggested it. Since it was only like a ten-minute drive, I figure why not. It's not like I had anything better to do and I'm always looking for an excuse to avoid housecleaning.

I met IceQueen1981 outside her apartment building. It seemed logical destination because she lived near huge tourist area--the kinda place where a plethora of bars and restaurants are within walking distance. We had the obligatory handshake and started the five-minute trek to Starbucks.

I hate to judge people without giving them the benefit of the doubt, but we were about 15 feet from her apartment when I realized it just wasn't gonna work. I couldn't explain it at the time but it was something I felt immediately--like I was a burden to her or something. From the get go her body language and demeanor came off like she would rather be anywhere else but there with me.

As we walked and talked I tried to get her to open up. I could tell this wasn't the uneasiness of meeting someone for the first time--there total lack of enthusiasm on her part (if she was trying to play it cool, she was trying way too hard). The conversation was awkward; her smile wasn't warm or pleasant. When I asked a question, I got brief replies--like she was international spy and information she gave up could be considered a form of treason.

"Where do you work?"

"I work in a retail store."

And that was it. No describing what she did. No mentioning what her store sold. Just the bare facts--like details were inconsequential. Desperately trying to find something to converse about, I brought up coffeehouses (it was our eminent destination and by now, the only thing I could think to talk about).

"Do you drink a lot of coffee," I asked.

"No, it's just something to do," she replied flatly.

And then the awkwardness returned. I felt like I was pulling teeth. I'm sure she had stuff to say...but she didn't say anything. I asked all the usual questions. Where are you from? How didja end up here? What's you major? She, on the other hand, didn't ask me a damn thing.

Her entire attitude screamed boredom and a lack of interest--like I wasn't what she expected (maybe she wanted taller...) or I wasn't good-looking enough (I'm hot, dammit). It made me feel very uncomfortable--why try to impress someone who doesn't give a damn? Conversation was beyond painful--it was as if I was Hitler, she was a rabbi, and we had to share an elevator.

She didn't show the slightest bit of interest in me. She didn't ask any questions. She didn't say anything unless I prompted her. She was just there because she had to.

And this was all before we even made it to the Starbucks.

We ordered a couple of drinks and grabbed seats by the window. I tried making conversation but it was so difficult. A question would be asked and she would give a quick reply. I went through it all. I asked her if she's seen any movies lately ("I don't like movies"). If she's ever traveled anywhere exotic ("no"). She was non-responsive and appeared to be uninterested. I was grasping at straws--until I found the one that broke the camel's back.

"So I read somewhere that one in four people have ended up on television at one point or another in their life."

She had an uninterested look on her face and she wasn't gonna take the cue.

"Have you ever been on TV?"

"Yes."

*long uncomfortable pause*

"What was it," I said, asking the obvious follow up question when it was clear IceQueen1981 wasn't gonna answer it on her own.

"It was nothing. I did a commercial as kid."

*long uncomfortable pause*

"How old were you?"

"I was little."

"What was it for?"

"I don't remember."

"What did you do?"

"I don't know."

"Well, whaddya say we get rolling," I said without a beat. I had enough. She was tedious, boring, and clearly in her own little world. No need to waste either one our time anymore when we clearly didn't have a future--friendship or otherwise.

How could she not remember a single detail about a television commercial she was in? Even if you're a little kid and don't remember shooting it, I'm sure your parents do. And I'm sure they'll tell you about it. I remember vague bits and pieces of being on "Romper Room" but my mom fills in the details. I have a ton of childhood stories that I don't remember but my mom does--and told me about them as an adult. But to not know the slightest bit of detail to a television commercial you starred in--not knowing what you were hawking or what you were doing--it's just a sign of someone who doesn't care. Either that or you're the most lethargic and indifferent person this world has ever seen (no dramatics here)

And as we started to head back to her apartment, I realized I might've been wrong with my assessment. Her aphetic attitude wasn't because she was uninterested in me--she was just a boring person, an insipid individual and not fun to be around. Her life is probably filled with fascinating stories and tales and plenty of things to talk about. But she--IceQueen1981--was not the type to talk about or disclose those stories. It wasn't in her character to tell interesting tales and captivate an audience; she didn't like talking to people and enjoying conversation. Her personality was ho-hum and boring--and it had nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, this epiphany didn't change my opinion of her (boring or bitchy, it didn't matter: she was not worth my time).

On the walk back to her apartment, I guess she must've sensed my disappointment. I thought I played it well and kept up a happy face but I must've failed (perhaps it was because how abruptly I decided to call it a day). She tried defending herself and IceQueen1981 mentioned many times about being tired or distracted--like she was trying to subtlety tell me she's actually more exciting than she came off. It's funny cause when I was about to leave and that's when she started asking questions and showing interest. Actually, it might've been the first question she asked me all day: "What kind of car do you drive?"

Too little, too late. I wanted to be gone.

All in all, I spent about a half hour with her--29 minutes too long. It's not like it was a disastrous time...just a let down. Luckily this "adventure" only cost me 30 minutes and the price of a large chai tea latte. It's a shame because she had so much potential. IceQueen1981 was a chik who likes baseball and the Yankees--I'm just glad I didn't propose to her on the spot.

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