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I used to have a nose large enough for birds to perch off but thanks to the best rhinoplasty in the world, it's now presentable. And just recently I had the last of my warts removed--I'm hoping this weekend mother finally removes the chains and allows me out of the dungeon!

My credit card company tried to evict me yesterday. It would've made my neighbors happy and my mother suicidal. I'm not sure what evil forces are to blame with my brief moment of homelessness, but I assure you this is not a freak occurrence--it's just one of those things that always happens to me. Like when I applied to Cal State Long Beach and they lost my paperwork. Or the time I tried to graduate from Cal State Long Beach and they lost my paperwork. Sometimes I truly do feel the world is conspiring against me. My near-evection has nothing to do with lost paperwork. Instead, this snafu is credited to a computer--perhaps the dumbest computer ever made.

I always thought part of being a grownup meant you gotta pay bills. I haven't lived at home in quite a while now--you might even say I'm a grownup (I'll adamantly disagree). Anywhos, I have been spared from the hassles of bill-paying thanks to the wonderful world of Automatic Deductions. Gas, electric, water--they're all billed on the same invoice as my rent. My cell phone is paid automatically by my credit card. And my student loans are jubilantly ignored.

It even gets better. I am lucky to have a landlord that takes credit cards. Instead of me having to make sure Mr. Roper gets a check every month, they have my credit card on file and automatically charge my rent to it.

Bills, schmills.

Anywhos, this month when the landlord tried to charge my rent, the card kept getting declined. Unbeknownst to me, they tried for a couple days. After getting fed-up and frustrated, Mrs. Roper called me and left a message that my card had been declined.

So I call the credit card company trying to figure out what went wrong. With identity theft being all the rage nowadays, I was worried that somehow I might've gone over my limit (of course, whoever steals my identity is in for an utter disappointment: the homeless guy who panhandles on the corner is probably worth more than I am).

Accord to Big Stupid Bank, that purchase was declined because the computers flagged it for "being out of character" for me. Apparently the credit card company has some sort of sophisticated software program that analyzes every purchase made. When something is bought at a store that doesn't seem to match previous purchases, the transaction is flagged and the account put on hold. This is what happened to me.

I wanna know what idiot they put in charge of writing that program. I've been paying for my rent on my credit card for over a year now. It's always around the same amount, charged around the same time by the same vendor--how in the world did the computer come up with it being out of character? The charge has become such a staple of my transactions, the computer oughta be concerned when it doesn't happen.

I get annoyed at idiocy. I'm all in favor of technology and stuff (just look at the toys I have for my computer) but where's the common sense? If someone with a real brain instead of a digital one looked at my past statements, I wouldn'tve had to go through that mess.

To make a long story short (yes, I can do that--I know you're usually used to me making a short story long but I can be brief if I want to), I got Big Stupid Credit Bank to lift the hold and my rent was paid for. But when I went into the office, the Mrs. Roper looked at me like I was a deadbeat. Even when I explained what happened, she didn't care. Probably because she's heard it before from real-life deadbeats.

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