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Today is Halloween--the time for costumes and pumpkins and slutty things. I'm sure it's been this way for a while, but I'm just starting to notice it now. It seems like for chiks, the most popular Halloween costume is to be a slutty version of anything. A slutty nurse. A slutty firefighter. I even saw someone as a slutty nun (two words I never thought I'd see together in the same sentence).

I don't have a problem with it--people are entitled to dress up however they want. But being a slutty robot for Halloween doesn't really seem like much fun (unless you enjoy being a robot...or slutty). Of course, I can't complain too much: today I dressed up as a slutty, underpaid, television station employee. It's better than my first idea for a costume: I wanted to be Canadian.

I have an unusual infatuation with infomercials. I'm just drawn to them--kinda like Paris Hilton and rare forms of venereal disease. No matter what I'm watching--bikini fashion shows, reruns of "Parker Lewis Can't Lose", the Superbowl--if I start flipping through the channels and stumble across an infomercial, there's a good chance I'm going to invest at least 15 minutes into watching it.

I think what I love about them is they're just so damn hokey. I wonder if the producers realize how lame these programs are. I've also wondered where infomercial producers learned their sales technique. Did they take courses on brainwashing in college or are they just assuming everyone is stupid? The level of manipulation they use isn't very deep or complicated--everything is so obvious and over the top you'd hafta possesses the IQ of a banjo to fall for any of it. but I can't knock it too much--clearly infomercials work or they wouldn't be on the air. But the acting is horrible and the enthusiasm is ridiculous (it's a roasted chicken, people: I've seen hyperactive, lotto-winning, Teletubbies with less energy).

Infomercials always play on the same three emotions:

1) It's easy
2) It will save you money
3) It will help you lose weight/get healthy

It's like the manufactures think we're all lazy, cheap, and fat.

I was watching something tonight about a knife. Nothing too special--just an electric knife guaranteed to cut through everything. They brought out the usual array of items to cut--a pipe, a frozen piece of beef...a tomato. What is so difficult to cut about a tomato? I'll admit, I haven't eaten one since I was seven and haven't cut one since they stopped letting me make salads at McDonald's--but what's so damn hard to cut about a tomato? I've seen three different infomercials hawking three different types of knives and all of them boasted their ability to slice a tomato. I've got a battle ax hanging on my wall and a sword under my bed: I guarantee you I could slice a tomato with either.

Anywhos, this commercial was as bad as all of them are and I swear I coulda produced it myself (I guess that's not saying much since I do work in television--but you catch my drift). But the part that I really laughed at--actual laughed-out-loud funny--was when the "chef" peddling the knife said "You'll lose weight and be in the best shape of your life."

From a knife?

Unless you're supposed to use the blade to remove the unnecessary fat from your thighs, I don't see how a supersharp, electric knife is supposed to help you lose weight. The infomercial showed people cutting the crust off sandwiches and people using the knife to saw a frozen pizza in half. I think they were trying to say that with their wunderknife, you'll eat less--like somehow its magic blade is going suppress your overeater's appetite. This was even reiterated with a graphic. Big italic letters--with an exclamation point--flashed across the screen: "CUTS OUT THE CARBS!" Laughs like that are so rare--it's not often one hears such ridiculous claims outside of an election year. I can't get enough.

When was the last time you sat down to watch an infomercial? It's something I really suggest everyone to do. Be sure not to get sucked up in the emotion of it--you'll end up buying a supermop or 37 George Foreman Grills. But try watching it from a critical eye--they're actually quite amusing. Once you learn to spot the manipulation, trends, and how the shows plays on your emotions, infomercials have a large entertainment value to them. Next time you're bored, I suggest you flip channels through the UHF stations--there's always somebody selling something on there.