I had a bit of a problem with an automatic toilet recently. This wasn’t a first-time occurrence. Every time I make number two on a public restroom, I always place two toilet liners on the bowl. I use two and always two because one simply isn’t enough and three is just too many. When you don’t have enough layers between your ass and the bowl, urine can seep through and you end up sitting in someone else’s piss. If you use three, there is a lot less friction between your bum and the wax sheets. If you poop too hard, you can slide right off the bowl. That’s why I always use two.

I don’t think automatic toilets were designed with liners in mind. The automatic toilets use motion detectors and when it sense someone has stepped away from the bowl, it flushes. Given the number of people too stupid to remember to flush a toilet, this is a wonderful invention. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s not very practical. Like yesterday.

I played my two liners on the bowl, turned around, and started to drop trough. But before I could put my ass on the seat, the toilet flushed and took the liners along with it. I had to repeat the process two more times before I finally sat down quick enough to keep the toilet from flushing.

I can’t be the only one in America with this problem. Think of all the people in this country--I’m willing to bet a high percentage of them use the toilet. If only half of them experience the problems I have, that’s still a tremendous waste of water and toilet liners in the world. Think of those poor, thirsty African kids who don’t have water or toilet liners. It’s such a waste that millions of toilet liners are probably lost on a daily basis.

I’m not advocating the elimination of automatic toilets. Without them, stupid people will be forced to learn how to flush or toilets all across America will forever remain filthy (or at least until the janitorial staff comes cleans it). It would be nice to have a better, less-sensitive system. Or maybe we could simply potty train the stupid people and teach them how to flush. I’m not saying I have all the answers--but I can point out all the problems.

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Last night I met the girlfriend's parents. This is a significant step for me. Normally, I don't do well with parents. Cats I get along great with but parents are a whole 'nother matter. I'd like to think it's 'cause grownups have no sense of humor.

Red Jesus said to me it's really no big deal meeting parents--he couldn't understand why folks made such a big deal out of it. "They're just people." What he's saying makes sense--but there are some things logic just can't be applied to. After all, I'm the guy who wants to fondle their daughter's funbags.

Her parents seemed okay but I caused her mother a tremendous amount of pain (yes, I'm probably the only guy in the world who physical hurt his girlfriend's mother the first time he met her). Recently, the mom had undergone elective surgery. Certain places had stitches and bruises and that made it incredibly painful for her to laugh--knowledge that woulda been useful to me before I went into her house equipped with my best material.

I made wisecracks. I busted jokes. Quips were coming left and right. I was definitely on my game that night--more charming and funny than I ever was before. Unfortunately, my humor proved to be too much for The Girlfriend's mother and it killed her to laugh (well, not literally killed her--even Ben Stiller avoided that misfortunate when he met the parents). On multiple occasions she cried out in pain because I had her laughing so hard/unexpectedly. It got to the point where I had to either turn it off or leave.

And once I get going, I can't turn it off.

I've been shooed out of someone's house before but never for being too funny. Only me.

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