About three minutes after I left The Girlfriend's house, she called me and told me to come back. "I opened a cabinet and a cockroach fell out and landed on my face," she screamed hysterically. I turned around and went back to her apartment.

When I walked in, she was huddle in a corner, standing on a piece of furniture--about as far as she could get from the insect. She told me where the bug was and I did my best to hunt it down.

She was sobbing uncontrollably. I'm actually gonna give her a pass on this one--she's a pretty tough girl but totally freaks out over bugs...and to have one land on her face is enough to upset almost anyone (filthy, disgusting creatures). I listened to her describe "the biggest cockroach in the world" as I looked for the insect.

This claim actually worried me. Most cockroaches I have encountered are about an inch in length: if she fought "the biggest" I was not looking forward to finding it. I may be a male, but that doesn't mean giant cockroaches can't make me squeamish.

After thoroughly checking the area, I was unable to find any roaches (gigantic or normal sized). I declared he kitchen free of herculean roaches and held her as she sobbed. Just as soon as she started to regain herself, she started screaming: "There it is! There it is! Ohmygawd, kill it! KILL IT!"

I looked at where she was pointing but didn't see any insects of unusually large size. Given its enormous stature I thought it would be easy to spot the bug, but I simply couldn't see it.

"It's up in the corner" she screamed. "Right up against the wall--do you see it?!? Kill it! Kill it!!!"

Without her direction, I would have never seen it. There he was, standing on the walls--no bigger than a baby's fingernail. With my trusty toilet paper, I crushed the quarter-inch cockroach and flushed him down the toilet. But just to be safe, The Girlfriend flushed it again and closed the toilet seat "in case he tries to get out."

I told her how brave she was for facing the vile beast--and she was (the damn thing fell on her face)--but as for her claims of it being "the biggest cockroach in the world," I simply humored her.

"Yes dear, it was huge."

"Easily the biggest I've seen."

"I have no idea how they get so big."

I didn't have the heart to tell her the thing was tiny--might have even been a baby. 'Cause as far as roaches go, that was nothing.

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