I think I just realized the key to weight-loss success: buying crappy food. Normally I buy Planters brand peanuts and eat the whole jar in less than a week. A peanut here, a peanut there and before I know it--the jar is empty. With the Planters around, I'm always craving a peanut and end up eating two handfuls.

But about a month ago, I bought a generic jar of peanuts from Big Lots (I was there and craving peanuts). While they're still fine tasting peanuts, they pale in comparison to aroma and flavor of Planters. They taste good--I just don't have the same craving. When I want a peanut, I end up eating a few nuts--not massive handfuls. Here it is a month later and I still have half a jar left.

That's the key to controlling the amount of food you eat--just buy crappy food. Think about it: the manufactures want design their product so you'll want more and more--that's how they make their money. Not only will you consume their food more quickly, you'll be loyal to their product and come back for more. If anything, they're the ones making us fat. But if you buy a couple knock-off, generic items you won't be hook.

And you might even save a buck.

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I have a snoring problem. Actually, it's never been a problem for me (my snoring doesn't keep me awake at night) but after hearing The Girlfriend, the neighbors, and the National Guard complain, I decided to do something about it. A few weeks ago I visited a sleep specialist. He hooked a bunch of equipment up to me to monitor my sleep habits. It was a pretty unmemorable experience so I didn't bother with a lengthy report here (after all, what's exciting about sleeping). Fast-forward to today when I got the doctor's diagnosis.

"Let me take a look inside your mouth again," he said to me. I did the whole AHHH thing and he said "Yep, that's what I thought: you have unusually large tonsils."

Of course I do! Why not? Everything else on my body is usually shaped. My shoulders are way too wide for my waist (my arms dangle outside my hips). I always felt my ass was a little on the large side (but someone once told me it's an Italian thing). Every part of my body is completely disproportionate to every other part of my body.

"I gotta be completely honest with you: I've never seen tonsils that big," he said. "It could be allergies but they are unusually large."

No wondering my head is freakishly large: it's gotta house my giant tonsils.

The doctor said that my snoring is due to the unusually large tonsils and the best solution to my snoring problem is getting them removed. "You'll have to take three days off work and spend the day in bed, but it's really the best solution to your problem."

"Doc, I don't fear surgery," I said to him, "but isn't it unusual for someone my age to get their tonsils removed?"

He seems to misunderstand my question. After assuring me it was perfectly safe to have a tonsillectomy, the doctor tried to convince me there was nothing to fear and that it was something I really needed to do.

What convincing? He had me at "three days off work." Where do I sign up? And do I hafta remove 'em all now or can I get half now and come back in a month for the rest of them?

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