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I absolutely hate people who are paid to do tech support. These are people who have some degree of tech savvy yet are too stupid to incorporate that knowledge into a decent job. They're self-taught computer geeks that'll never get IT jobs but know more about computers than, say, my mother. Whether it be for computers, cell phones, or food dehydrators, the folks who work in tech support are completely unable to think outside the training provided for them.

I called T-mobile because I've been having a problem with my cell phone for about a month now: a button kept sticking on me. The button was jammed in; making the phone 'think' it's always being pressed. After spending an eternity on hold, a live person answered the phone. The pleasantries of name, phone number, and other crucial information was exchanged and he asked, "What appears to be the problem?"

"The button on my phone keeps sticking."

Being a trained professional, he offered the first solution he was conditioned to say: "Have you tried a software update?"

"It's not a software issue--the button is pushed down and it won't pop back up," I said.

"Have you tried turning the phone off and back on again?"

"There's nothing wrong with the software on my phone--it's just the ruddy button."

"What software version do you have?" The guy was nothing but a groomed drone. I knew he was hearing what I said, but since my problem wasn't on his checklist of repairs, his brain was totally short circuiting.

"Listen to me, dillhole--it's not a software problem. It's not a connection problem. It's a physical problem. It's like trying to stick a square peg through a circular hole--and there's no amount of software upgrades that can fix that."

Like I said, a bona fide idiot. He probably grew up playing "Dungeons and Dragons" online. When he reached the ripe age of 24, his mother told him it was time for a job and he went to the only place that would find his "technical skills" an asset. I know--I used to be the type (sans "Dungeons and Dragons").

Eventually I got him to figure it out and we arranged for my phone to be sent to T-mobile for repairs. Which brings to where I am today: currently 31 hours removed from my last contact with my phone. This is a very difficult and grueling time for me. I'm not one of those chatty bitches who can't possibly cope without the phone--far from it. It's not like I'll be without a phone for a few weeks--T-mobile provided me with a loaner phone. The problem is I'll be without my phone.

I'm a very important person (or so I like to believe) and an ordinary cell phone simply could not cut it for someone of my caliber. I've got one of those do-everything phones: internet, email, full keyboard--the thing does everything important I need except undo my fly when I gotta take a tinkle. It keeps me up to date with work issues and the latest fantasy baseball news. Because of all its grand features, my phone helps me spend less time in front of a computer and more time with real, live, actually people.

The loaner phone does none of those things.

Sure, it's a telephone--it allows me to send and receive calls--but email, text messaging, and web browsing are completely nonexistent. In other words, it'd be a great phone if this was 2001 and I was homeless.

The next couple weeks are gonna be hard for me. The idiot tech said it'll be repaired and returned to me in ten days--but this is the same fool who said I could "go to any Office Depot to get a loaner phone" (the folks at Office Depot laughed at me when I made such a request). I'm fully expecting this process to take at least three weeks--and I'm not gonna like any minute of it. Why just today I had to (get this) go to a computer and check my email (gasp). Do you have any idea how much email accumulates without checking it for a day and a half? Three--three letters!

This is gonna be a major, life-altering inconvenience.

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2006