Valentine's Day is a stressful time for any guy--I know, I've been there.  You gotta find the perfect gift; plan the perfect day; wear your best clothes; and be on your best behaviour.  Well, men--have I got a deal for you.  Adhere to my expertise and maybe, just maybe, I'll guide you to a Valentine 's Day that will never be forgotten.

Prior to the "holiday," go down to your local mall.  I know this goes against Rule #427 in guyspeak (Thou Shall Not Be Caught Dead in a Mall), but if you go during the daytime none of your buddies will see you because they'll be hungover or at work.  Once inside the mall, wander up and down its corridors until you find the Victoria's Secret store.  If you need assistance finding it, don't be ashamed to consult with the mall directory (i.e., a map).  There's no dishonor in looking at a map if it gets you out of the mall quicker--I doubt any guy would disagree...well, straight guys.

Once inside the Victoria's Secret, feel free to fondle and caress all the frilly underthingies they sell.  Try not to think of the middle-aged fat woman who will one day be wearing it--think Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum.  The important thing is to not look like a creepy perv who actually enjoys it--pretend you're the Professor and you're doing research for Ginger and Mary Ann. 

It is very important that you do not ask for help--no matter how uncomfortable or turned on you may be (and let's face it--it's gonna be one or the other).  I used to know a gal who worked for Victoria's Secret.  Anytime a guy entered the store alone, the clerks liked to laugh at him from afar--give them that.  They're making minimum wage and it's the one perk they have.  Besides, you're at the mall, fondling women's underwear in the middle of the daytime--how much pride can you have left at this point?  Inevitably someone will come over to you and as if you need help.

"Yeah, I'm looking for the ultimate gift for that someone special in my life."

"Sexy lingerie is the perfect gift that any woman will enjoy."

The sales clerk will then attempt to help you find the right fit for that special person in your life.  The questions will include terms like "frisky," daring," and "sensual."  At this point, there's no wrong answers.  I like to have fun with it--answering the way I'd want my ideal woman to be; remember, lingerie is about fantasy.  Eventually the clerk will suggest a product to you: if you don't like it, let her know immediately.  It's Valentine's Day--a time to be sexy and wild. The naughtier, the better.

"I like this," you'll say when something strikes your fancy.  The clerk will immediately point out all its benefits.  You like it, but you're not sure.  You ask the clerk to hold it up to her body so you can get a better opinion of it.

And then you look directly into her eyes and say; "This will be great--my mother will love it!"*








* "my father will love it" can be substituted to increase comedic value.