I've got a great way to get rid of those pesky solicitors in front of stores. When they ask you for money, reply, "Gee, I'd love to help--but I'm Republican." No arguments; no hassles--they'll know it's a lost cause.

I had an incident at the grocery store on Friday. Actually, it was a bunch of incidents--but luckily none of them were severe enough to require bail. As a guy, I find the grocery store to be a very intimidating place. Girls seem to have no problem with it (it's either an estrogen thing or it's because they're born to shop), but it seems like all single guys are lost at the grocery store. If I'm going to an electronics store, I can bob and weave my way down the aisle with the precision of an NFL running back. But at the grocery store, I find myself wandering like a blind man in a forest. There's just no efficiency. I'll leave and return to the same aisle two, three times. Maybe it has something to do with the prices. As a quasi-gadget geek, I know electronic prices like number of Star Wars figures I have in my collection. Prices rarely change for most items and things are never really "on sale."

But food is a totally different animal. Prices are as volatile as Lindsey Lohan behind the wheel of a car. Specials fluctuate all the time. Maybe that's why when I worked retail, it was always the women who were asking if something was "on sale:" they're used to hunting for bargains (I won't buy anything at the grocery store unless it's on sale--I hope this doesn't mean I'm becoming a woman).

The price roller coaster makes shopping difficult. Seriously--why am I gonna pay a dollar seventy for a bottle of cola when I know every few weeks I can get it for 89 cents? It just makes shopping hard--like if I don't buy something "on sale" I feel like I'm getting rip off.

But I digress...because that's not either of the incidents.

I despise those self-check out aisles that are popping up in stores throughout the country. I gotta laugh at a newspaper article I came across a few months ago: it turns out, when given the option of not paying for something, people do it and cheat the system. Something like 50 per cent of the people who use the self-check out aisle don't ring up all of their items--who woulda seen that coming?

But what I really hate about the self-check out is the reasoning behind it. The stores are doing it so they can pay fewer clerks. It has nothing to do with convenience or speed: they just don't wanna pay Cathy Cashier. I've got a buddy that works at a retail store who loves those self-check out aisles. I said to him, "You know those things are taking your job" and he really didn't care. I guess if he's too stupid to worry about being replaced by a machine why am I even caring about it?

Anywhos, there I was, at a supermarket around 6:30 on a Friday night. From homemakers seeking food for their family, to partiers seeking large quantities of beer to get wasted on, the place was totally packed. Imagine my horror to discover only two check stands were open--two! Each one stretched four or five people deep, all with shopping carts full to the brim.

But the store did offer eight self-check out stands.

This is the future, I thought to myself. Normally I try to shy away from the self-check aisle, but since patience isn't my strong suit and I had to get home in time for the Dodger game, I decided to give in for a change and not try to fight corporate America.

I'm a total tech guy. I love gadgets, electronics, and anything that makes old people pine for the "good'ole days." I'm one of those guys who doesn't read a manual--not because it's a sign of weakness, but because most of the time I simply don't need it. Electronics come easy to me: but for whatever reason, I could not make the self-check out machine work. It kept beeping at me and a cashier was required to come over and fix it. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but she was clearly getting annoyed (failing to realize that my incompetence was keeping her employed). All I'm saying is that if I have trouble working them, there's always gonna be a need for cahiers cause there's no way someone like my mom is ever gonna figure it out.

While ringing up my own items, I noticed the case of soda I was purchasing rung up as $3. While it's a reasonable price, it wasn't the two-fifty that enticed me to buy it in the first place. Being a grocery store fool, I wondered if I was being presumptuous to assume "2 for $5" meant $2.50 each--maybe I was required to buy two. Normally this isn't the case, but I wasn't gonna get screwed out of my 50 cents. I quickly rushed back to the soda aisle and grabbed another case.

It also rang up at $3.

Again, I called for help. The woman informed me that I had to enter my Preferred Card number. These "Preferred Cards" that all the stores offer are such a joke. What's preferred about it? They're free to anyone who fills out the application. The stores all charge obscene prices and knock it down to something reasonable when you have a Preferred Card. This way after completing a $20 purchase, my receipt can boast that I "saved" over $30 because I'm a preferred member.

Look, any card the incompetent, illiterate, or a convicted felon can obtain isn't really that significant. It's not like I go around bragging about my driver's license (which, incidentally, apparently has the same prerequisites).

After entering my number, the register still reflected a $3 charge for each of my crates of cola. Again, I called for help, and again she gave me attitude (next time, I am sooo shopping at Wal-mart). I pleaded my case with her. "These are supposed to be 2 for $5."

She looked at the weekly specials and confirmed my assessment. Without hesitating or blinking, she told me that she would give it to me free of charge. I suppose that's a nice deal for me, but it's still a hassle.

When I finally finished up and returned to my car, the bill was still troubling me. I only bought a handful of items (one of which was free), but the bill was about$2 more than I expected it to be. I looked over it again and realized I was charged $5 for a jar of peanuts that I thought was $2.50 (this is what I mean about sales and bargains...the regular price is double the sale price--double! Imagine if a car dealership cut its prices in half for a sale--the place would go nuts).

I went back to the store to confirm the price. There's always a chance I made a mistake. I'm human and occasionally make mistakes: I don't wanna be talking about something I really don't know much about (see my iRANT about heckling and baseball). A quick inspection did indeed confirm I was overcharged. I went to a different gal this time.

"I'm not sure what's going on, but I was overcharged for two different items on a five item purchase," I said. "Maybe there's a computer glitch or something, but a 60 per cent accuracy isn't very efficient."

I showed her my receipt and expressed my concerns. After verifying the price, she refunded me the money for the peanuts (making the nuts complimentary).

But what bothers me most is how inaccurate the prices were. I spent only $15--being overcharged for a few items is easily noticeable with a bill that small. But people who truly "shop" at the supermarket--you know the type, a cart or two filled with groceries--they're not gonna notice being overcharged on a handful of items. And by the time they do, they're already sitting at home.

It seems like the prefect scam--list a low price on the shelf and ring up a higher one at the register. I know it's illegal and all that junk, but the folks at the grocery store didn't seem to care. They came off as if charging the wrong price is an everyday occurrence. No repeated apologies or assurances that it's not gonna happen again.

As a tech guy, I can tell you that sorta mistakes are easy to avoid with the right program. When I worked at An Undisclosed Retail Store, it was all automated. Whenever a price changed from whoever ordered it, new tags were printed out to put on the shelves and the computer was automatically updated. It was a package deal--the only way something on the shelf was a different price was because no one updated the sign. But that wouldn't explain what happened in my case--the signage to reflect the sale was already posted.

...And I'm spent--thanks for giving me a soapbox to preach from. If you don't mind, I'm gonna go have some milk and cookies.