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Are white people the only ethnicity that knows how to tell time? This isnt a compliant against people who are different but just a general observation based on the how certain groups view themselves. When a Mexican guy is late for a fiesta, he jokes "Im on Mexican time." When a black person is late for fried chicken picnic, he says "Im on colored people time." Even Asian folks--an ethnicity that strives so hard to keep its culture and independence--fall back on this excuse: "Sorry, Im on Asian time."

I wonder if this excuse would work for Whitey...

I havent been too good on Mother Nature this week, killing Gods creatures with everything I do. I may be Republican, but its not like I intentionally went around destroying the world for my great grandchildren (okay--my brothers great grandchildren: we all know Im never gonna reproduce...hopefully). Normally I do my best to let all animals be. Im not a damn hippie vegan or anything like that--but I stopped burning ants with a magnifying glass when I turned 23. All things considering, I prefer to let bygones be bygones.

I was driving on the freeway, going a comfortable 93 miles per hour when I saw a pair of pigeon wandering on the road (feel free to insert your own "Why did the pigeon cross the road" joke). I wasnt too concerned because vehicular animal-cides are limited to creatures that cannot fly out of the way. I mean, really--who every worries about hitting a pigeon? No one--because "we have a deal."*

Perhaps I was going faster than I thought or maybe these birds werent aware of the dangers a two ton vehicle going 90 presents, but these pigeons just seemed reluctant to get out of the way. Eventually, one of them started scuttling to the side of the road, but the other was in no rush (I guess when the sun is good, it takes a lot to rip a bird away from getting a good tan). When the straggler started to realize the danger he was in, he began to flap his wins and lift off.

He probably woulda been safer if he stayed on the ground.

I stuck the feathered beast with a mighty "whap." There was no doubt I hit him and I was horrified that I did. Killing birds isnt like swatting a fly. I know they both eat shit and can carry infectious diseases, but killing a creature with a vertebra just seems cruel--even if that animal is known as a "rat with wings."

I pulled over to do a quick damage report (the last thing I wanna do is have a car break down in the middle of the desert because Ive got beak stuck in the radiator). I was surprised to see there wasnt a single sign of impact. Not a drop of blood, feathers, or a dent to be seen. This was wonderful news. I knew there was no doubt I hit the pigeon, but I started to convince myself that the bird survived. Instead of him spattering along my grill, the poor little guy just had the bejessus sacred out of him. I wasnt being delusional--its perfectly acceptable to believe a pigeon can survive a mid-air impact with a Suburban going 90--right?

My murderous ways didnt stop there, though. A few days later I hade another incident with a winged creature. After softball Friday, I took a knee in the grass to remove my spikes. Poor little guy didnt see it coming. He was probably down there sucking on a flower or something only to find this giant knee come crushing down on him. I dont think the bee actually stung me--more like I shoved my knee into his stinger. There he was minding his business and I had to come and crush all of his dreams--and his body. I felt the poison entering my blood stream--my knee felt all tingly. Thats when I realized what I had done.

I saw his mashed remains scattered on my knee and felt bad--like I killed the mascot for Honey Nut Cheerios. I couldnt be sure from his smushed innards, but this guy looked nowhere near as cute as Buzz--which begs the question: which bee did they use for the honey Nut Cheerio mascot? Im not like a bee expert, but Im pretty sure there has to be some airbrushing of sorts there. Dude has giant, innocent looking eyes and relatively no stinger whatsoever (I would say he had reduction surgery, but no male of any species wants their stinger smaller).

*"Seinfeld" episode 9-06

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2006