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I just saw a commercial for a sleep aid medication. The narrator stated "side effects may include drowsiness." Drowsiness is a side effect? Isn't drowsiness the desired effect of a drug designed to help you sleep? I don't know about you, but when I'm trying to fall asleep I welcome drowsiness.

If pain had any sort of monetary value, I'd be rich right now. It started with a little pain in my side when I was having sex--I thought it was a cramp. Not wanting to risk further injury, I faked an orgasm and went to bed. It was fine yesterday. A minor little tweak, but nothing to whine about. And then last night. I was sitting down, watching TV. When I got up, I couldn't move. It felt like something grabbed a chunk of my flesh and squeezed real tight anytime I moved. You know that sorta uncomfortableness you have with a stiff back--how the slightest movement causes a great deal of aggravation? That's sorta the way I feel now--only it's my lower left abdomen. It's so bad, I'm actually considering seeing the doctor.

And what exactly am I gonna tell the doctor? I'm sure I'm not the first person in the world to injure himself during sex--but I gotta be the only one under the age of 30. And usually when people hurt themselves during sex, it's because they tried something too kinky and got in an awkward position--kinda like doggy-style on a jungle gym. Me?--plain old missionary. Who throws something outta whacky during the missionary position? It's like doing a push-up for cripes' sake (incidentally, I have been know to injure myself during a push-up or two--but that's only because I have weak girlie arms). Missionary is a common sexual position because of its ease and simplicity--no one under the age of 60 gets hurt in the missionary position unless his anaconda really is a boa constrictor.

"Why don't you ask your mom about it," said She Who Was With Me During Time of Injury.

Yeah, that's a conversation I look forward to. Not only will my mom know I engage in boring, missionary sex, but that I must not do it very often if I'm pulling muscles. I'm sure that won't lead to four or five years of psychological damage.

Which brings me to another, yet completely unrelated point: what kinda person goes through medical school and decides to become a proctologist? As if dealing with the disgusting innards of obsess, lard asses isn't gross enough, imagine having to feel inside their rectum for 40 hours a week. Who thinks "Man, I really love the idea of working with asses all day" (besides gay men)? Four years of college, another four more for medical school...only to spend the next thirty years pulling busted dildos and misplaced gerbils out of some freaky guy's ass.

It just doesn't seem to inspire me. People go to medical school for one of three reasons: to help out society; to get wealthy; to score with hot chiks (in reverse order of desire). Doctor or not, I doubt many girls will bang a guy who comes home smelling like ass all day. Sure, the money is good--but at what price? And is the proctologist really helping anybody? Anyone who is stupid enough to get something stuck up their ass deserves the uncomfortablity of it being up there.

Well, that's pretty much all I hafta say. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow. If not I'm going to the doctor no later than Monday. There's only so much pain a guy can take.

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