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I was at the grocery store the other day to buy some milk when a crazy thought crossed my mind: why buy milk when you can buy nog? Despite all it's shortcomings, there are some good things about this time of year.

I've often felt the Denny's is perhaps the greatest forum in America to hash out any debate. Not because of the high intellect one is guaranteed to find at a Denny's in the wee hours of the morning (customers and employees alike), but because Denny's is often where people sit and talk for extended periods of time. If the ancient Greeks had a Denny's, they would've discovered electricity long before Benjamin Franklin was around.

Last night at Denny's, a friend and I staggered on to an interesting debate. He was talking about bad drivers and I started talking about bureaucracy and how much I hate the Man. Clearly people don't NEED a license to drive--the only thing to stop them is the unlikely event of being pulled over and arrested. So exactly how necessary is a driver's license? If everyone is granted a driver's license, it's not that exclusive of a club. And having a driver's license doesn't mean you actually know how to drive (look at my brother's car). Sure, you gotta pass the test to get a license--but it's really quite pointless. The written test. The driving test. It's all a charade. Acing both of those doesn't make one a good driver. Good driving is something that comes with experience--not a stupid written test and a ten-minute car ride with someone who is only a shotgun away from blowing his brains out.

My friend argued that perhaps the driving test would be more efficient if it included a freeway test. Yes, it's true--California is lame enough not require its drivers to have the ability to navigate on the freeway (which would explain LA's traffic). But I don't think that would help. The driving test is way too short. Adding five minutes on the freeway accomplishes nothing. To properly evaluate someone's skills, I think a two-hour car ride is required. Let's face it--all the kiddies are on their best behaviour when the evaluator is in the car. Let the testie get relaxed--that's when his true colors will shine.

And another thing--you can make seven mistakes before you fail the test (seven!). That is way to high of a margin of error. It only takes one mistake to cause an accident (the first six aren't free). And how hard is it to go ten minutes without making a mistake? Seven mistakes in two hours--that's a little more tolerable. But it's still pretty friggin' unsafe.

The written test has its share of problems, too. I know if I took that test today, I'd fail faster than Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's marriage. But that doesn't make me a bad driver. Identity thieves: check out my DMV record. Not a mark on it (thank goodness for traffic school). The written test is just plain dumb. I hate to recycle material you've probably heard before: but who gives a crud if I don't know how many feet from the intersection I gotta use my turn signal? As long as it's on, I'm okay. The written test is full of questions that have little to do with actual driving.

Since a two hour test is not fiscally efficient (and a helluva waste of taxpayer dollars) and the written test is irrelevant, I propose doing away with driver's test entirely. It's already a big waste of time--why not come up with a system that's more efficient and DMV money could be put to better use (like decent cameras to improve those driver's license photos)? I know we can't get rid of driver's licenses because the government needs it as a way to track us. So instead of making people jump through hoops to get license, why not just give one to everybody. As much as driving instructors like to saying "driving is a privilege--not a right," they're really just lying to themselves. How many people do you know in the 20s who don't have a license?

That's what I thought.

Under my plan, everyone at the age of 16 is granted a learner's permit--consider it a birthday present from the state. A learner's permit is just like it is now: they can drive anywhere just as long as there's a licensed driver over the age of 25 in the passenger seat. When the learner hits 18 (years, not parked cars) and has two years of driving experience, he is automatically granted a license. No lame-ass drivers test. No irrelevant written test. He just has to go down to the DMV, pass the eye test, and take the picture. Sure, this plan will put a lot of DMV employees out of work--but let's face it: they hate their jobs already. If anything, we're doing them a favor.

From that point on, things go exactly like they do now. Cops give tickets for bad drivers (usually for running red lights and speed: not for triggering the turn signal too early in front of an intersection). The DMV still has the right to revoke someone's license and the government still has a way to keep track of us. And that stupid written test is gone forever--kinda like Britney and K-Fed's marriage.

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