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I think back to "UHF" and Kuni's catch phrase: "Stupid! You're so stupid!!!"

I just got off the phone with a chik I met online. Her name is Rock4Brains and either this chik is dumber than Bob Saget game show or I have unreasonably high expectations of what I'm looking for in a chik. I know I can nitpick--but all I really want is just the slightest bit of intelligence. I mentioned Sicily to her and she had no clues what I was talking about. What are we coming to if there's people in their 30's who never heard of Sicily? We're not talking about a strange land that never makes the news (like, Montana). This is part of perhaps the more recognizable land mass on the earth: it's what Italy is friggin' kicking for cripes' sake!

I made a joke about how much I'd like to be Zeus and she said "Who?"

"You know, Zeus? King of the gods? Sat atop Mt. Olympus throwing lightening bolts at people?" Even though we were talking over the phone, I could visualize the blank stare on her face.

She said she liked to read so I asked her what some of her favorite books were. "Oh, the books I read are just ordinary books." But she couldn't actually name any books (which I suppose is better than if she said "The Cat in the Hat").

I'm tired of dealing with bland idiots. Talking to this chik was just like that IceQueen1981 gal I met a few months back. Yes or no answers. Empty silences. A total waste of my time. I felt like I was pulling teeth. She even gave me an excuse--just like IceQueen1981 did.

"I'm having a blah day today," said Rock4Brains without being asked. "Normally, I'm really funny like you."

Uh, yeah--right. Let me quote every single writing teach I ever had: don't tell me--show me. Say something intelligent. Hell, just say something.

Good god--how is anyone supposed to meet anyone actually dateable? If I can't even carry on a conversation with this chik, how in the world am I supposed to act like I'm interested in here? Maybe I need to find classier chiks...I don't know. Maybe the problem is smart girls have standards--leaving me outta luck.

All I know is I need to find a new way to meet chiks. The internet was working fine for a while and showed some promise, but lately all I've been getting is total losers. My results can be broken down into three categories: mommies, idiots, and chiks so fat they have not nor will they ever know what a man's touch feels like.

Am I too picky? I don't wanna bang a mom--that's more of my left fielder's thing. Plus there's just too much responsibility. Not on my part--hers. She's gotta take care of her kid and doesn't have the freedom I like in a dater. Not to mention all the potential drama involving the kid's dad.

All I want is a chik with a brain who isn't pregnant and doesn't weigh more than my car. That's all--I'm not asking for a lot. Oh, and I'd like her to live fairly close to my house 'cause I hate driving. But I don't think my expectations are unreasonable. I'm not looking for supermodel (they're dumb and usually taller than me). I just wanna meet someone who is dateable. I'm tired of coming across losers.

I hear all the time women complain about how all their boyfriends are losers. I hate people who say that because they do it to themselves. That's not what I'm talking about--I can spot the losers and avoid them. My problem is I'm only meeting losers. I wanna meet some winners and do not wanna settle--that's what makes my beef different. I'm not part of one continuous bad cycle.

I'm just disgusted and annoyed. Sorry to waste your time.

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2006