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Condoms are a lot like sex. They're expensive to pay for, but can be had for free if you know where to shop. Personally, I hate buying condoms. Not 'cause I'm cheap, but rather because they're friggin' expensive. At least they're expensive if go through them as rapidly as I do (I just love making balloon animals). Above all, I hate paying for them when condoms are given out by the bushel if you know where to look. Buying a pack of Trojans at the grocery store can be a pretty hefty expenditure. Meanwhile, college campus, sexual health clinics, and rock concerts often give them away for free. Maybe it's just because I'm teetering on the brink of poverty, but seems awfully foolish to pay for condoms when I could get them for free--especially since I rarely use 'em for longer than a few minutes. At a dollar a rubber for two minutes of use, that condom is costing me $30 an hour. I hate it when inanimate objects make more than I do.

I have noticed an alarming pattern repeat in my life: too many people I come across assume I'm a virgin. This would be fine if I was 15 and still a virgin but completely unacceptable now that I'm in my late 20s (still not gonna say the age, though). On more than one occasion, I've had to argue my non-virginity to people. I must give off some sorta virgin vibe: many of my friends tell me that thought I was a virgin until they got to know me. It's like I've got the stigmata of Bud Bundy.

I was talking to a friend the other night who revealed she thought I was a virgin when we first met. This revelation totally floored me--she didn't strike me as the type who made assumptions about people (or at least that sorta assumption). When I asked her why, she said; "It's because you give off a defeated vibe. You're never trying to have sex."

That's not the first time I've been misjudged. A couple guys a play softball with expressed the same opinion. Because I don't doll myself up for games or flirt with the waitresses afterwards, they thought I was a virgin.

How insane is this conclusion? Just because I'm not trying to bang every broad I meet, I must be a virgin? What have we come to, ladies? If a guy isn't hitting on you, he must be sexless? So all that talk about being respected as a person is a load of crap--you'd much rather encounter guys who are either trying to get their hands down your pants or are thinking about getting their hands down your pants!

I'll admit, everything I do in life isn't part of a grand scheme to get me laid. I've got better things to do than think about sex all the time. I don't waste my time flirting with waitress because it just seems stupid (big-breasted waitresses wearing tight outfits in sports bars NEVER get hit on). There are times I feel flirty and into sex and times I don't. I pick and choose depending on where I am. At work, I'm not gonna hit on my coworkers because they're my coworkers and I gotta see them everyday. I don't hit on girls when I play softball because the only women there are sweethearts of my teammates (nothing good can come out of that even if I do succeed). I don't flirt when I'm playing cards because there's two things that lead to bad gambling: booze and women. And I sure as hell am not gonna be flirty when I'm around people I dislike.

Every time I feel like I've figured out people, I get thrown a curveball. I have many different personas in life and it all depends on who I'm with. I'm just shocked that people think because a guy isn't always looking to score, he must be a virgin. Getting laid isn't that hard to do: why should I devote all of my efforts to do so?

I thought women liked having friends that weren't trying to boink 'em. I thought women hate sleazy guys who will nail anything that moves. I thought women hate getting sexually harassed. So much for that "love me for my mind" crap. I guess I was wrong--maybe it's time I start shouting "nice rack" to random people. Apparently the bigger perv gets the respect.

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