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Readers of the Lost iRANT;
I wrote this back in April but couldn't post it because of the potential negative fall out from work. But since the 'woman' in question no longer works with me, I can now insult her as much as I want.

There's this chik at work who I hate for valid reasons--she's annoying. But there's more to it than that. There's only one thing worse than a girl who thinks she's hella cute and all that--a girl who isn't remotely close to being cute who acts like she is. It's actually quite pathetic. They go around flaunting it, thinking that everyone wants a piece of them when in actuality, we just want them to go home. The girl I work with is just like that.

When we hired her at A Television Station Not Owned By Rupert Murdoch, a pool was created amongst many of the employees regarding how long she would remain with us. The most daring individual picked three weeks--far longer than anyone else thought she would last. That was eight months ago. While it turns out she's just as blonde and stupid as we all figured, somehow she's managed to stick around.

This girl wants to be a big, big star. She works at Disneyland as Tinker Bell. She promotes beer-drinking as a Miller Light girl. Hell, she was even a cheerleader in college. She comes in wearing very obviously expensive clothes--stuff that's bright and always calls for people's attention. She's blonde, petite, and everything else that's sexy on paper.

Until you look at her.

This girl looks like a female version of Skeletor. She's as thick as a stick without an ounce of meat on her body. She's about four-eleven, 83 pounds, and doesn't possess any of the physical characteristics found on most women (breasts, for example). If you dressed up a broomstick with make up and high heels, you'd have an exact double of her.

What makes Skeletor-Lady even more unattractive is her teeth--they're as yellow as my underwear and as rotten as my heart. Her teeth are decayed so badly, you'd swear they came from the mouth of an 80-year old smoker who hadn't brushed a day in her life. She's disgusting to look at--when she smiles, I feel like a mouth full of corn is looking at me. And the yellow ones are the better teeth--she's even got a couple black ones (I know the insurance at A Television Station Not Owned By Rupert Murdoch ain't great, but for cripes' sake lady, see a dentist).

Despite being more physically repulsive than your average homeless lady, Skeletor-Lady thinks she's cute. And she acts like she's cute. She's probably spent her whole life thinking she was cute because no one has the guts to tell her otherwise (you'd think the lack of fraternity boys trying to nail her in college would've been the dead give away). Here's the ultimate testament to her unattractiveness: until I looked her up on MySpace, I had no idea how old Skeletor-Lady was. She has the body of a seven-year old boy; the face of a 35-year old woman; and the teeth of an Egyptian mummy.

I don't know how she did it or who she slept with (maybe she only threatened to sleep with someone), but somehow Skeletor-Lady conned her way into getting on air. We're going to be shooting ten 90-second breaks this weekend and Skeletor-Lady gets to host them. Ignore the fact for one second that she is way too ugly to be on television, she also has no experience whatsoever in front of the camera. So guess who was given the nauseating task of training her? Yours truly!

Before I was always able to tolerate Skeletor-Lady because I had very little contact with her. Ten minutes of coaching and shooting her, now I have a strong desire to clone her and sell her to the Chinese as chopsticks. She is just so awful, so completely horrible for television. Maybe it dates back to her cheerleader days (I couldn't tellya), but Skeletor-Lady has this thing she does on camera. Skeletor-Lady like to put on hand on her hip and rotate her torso while waving the other hand around like it's signal flag. The gal ends up gyrating like she some sorta angry black women. Unfortunately, when you're blonde and spoiled (as evident by the 2007 Mini Cooper she can seem to afford with a part time job), Skeletor-Lady is about as far from a black woman as anyone can be. It's so unpleasant to view through the camera--I know it's going to do nothing but frighten the children at home. Skeletor-Lady probably thinks she's being energetic and 'in-your-face.' She's not--it's more creepy. You feel like you wanna take cover or that toothpick of an arm might fly off and kill someone.

Making matters worse was her delusion perception of what makes for good television. She insisted she wanted to interview a sheep and planned an entire 90-second break around her one-on-one interview with the wool-giver. I told her that had to be about the dumbest idea since cheeseless pizza. But she wouldn't bite--said it would make for great television. And to prove it, Skeletor-Lady got a coworker to pretend to be a sheep while she mock interviewed him in front of the camera.

"And how long have you been a sheep," Skeletor-Lady asked.

"Baaaaah."

"What do you hope to learn today?"

"Baaaaah."

"What do sheep do for fun?"

"Baaaaah."

It went on like this for a minute--easily one of the most painful things I've ever seen (thank goodness this was a mock interview--if we aired something like this not only would I be fired, the FCC would revoke our license for wasting the airwaves on something so stupid). As she ended the interview, Skeletor-Lady said, "We're going to be here all weekend, so don't you be sheepish and join us at the Youth Expo."

Groan.

That's what she was leading up to? She wants to interview a sheep on live television just so she can work the sheepish pun in. Not only is that baaaaaad television, that's gotta be one of the lamest puns I've ever heard. And to work that hard to squeeze in that one line...it's a colossal waste of time. There are plenty of better, funnier puns that you can use for each interview: we don't hafta subject our audience to watching a sheep say 'baaaaah' for 90 seconds.

I hate this woman--I truly do. Spoiled, clueless (she screws up so much doing her regular job maintaining our tape library), and boney, she's about as useless as they come. And what pisses me off most is that she's had everything given to her. Her father bought her that car. She went to a good school and majored in dance and cheerleading. She thinks she's cute. But if she had to survive on her own she wouldn't last. She's not competent enough to land a fulltime position with us. And if she did, she wouldn't be able to afford the lifestyle she was given. She's training her whole life to be a big, big star and she's just not gonna make it. Let's ignore her whole lack of talent for a minute: she's just too damn creepy to be on television. And no one probably no one has ever told her that. Too bad they won't give me that kinda authority at work: I'd end a lot of dreams.